Unintended consequences

Action: accidentally cutting 1" slice along the length of pinky finger, nicely across the side of the knuckle with butcher knife while cleaning it.

Good reaction: can't wash the dishes, gee darn.

Bad reaction: hurts to type. must type all day tomorrow at work. darn.

Good reaction: (temporary) truce in Boy 1's pissy behavior

Bad reaction: did I mention temporary?

Good reaction: don't have to wear bathing suit this friday, because I have this huge painful gash on my finger, I can't possibly go swimming in the ocean, hello, salt water?

Bad reaction: it hurts.

Specificity.

I took Dog to have his hair cut today. You remember what Dog looks like, right? He's a golden retriever/chocolate lab mix. Picture a golden with chocolate brown hair.

They asked me what haircut I wanted for Dog. After staring at them for a minute (a bob? a farah fawcett flip? a mohawk?) I said, a summer haircut.

And away they went.

And they returned to me a naked mole rat.

Or Dog, I'm not sure. But he is naked.

Next time, I will specify a farah fawcett flip.

If bribery works, I'll stock up on treats

Boy 1 did well all week. I'm not sure how to convey how huge this is. Even on his good days, it's a mix of snotty behavior and good behavior, but on good days the good behavior outweighs the snot.

This week? Almost completely void of snotty behavior. For that to happen for an entire day would be a big thing. For it to happen for five entire days, while watching his brother, on the week after school got out when transition is usually pretty rough for him, is fucking fantastic. Indescribably wonderful.

The deal was that if he does an ok job of watching his brother, he'd get $10. (why yes, I am cheap, it's called P-O-O-R.) If he didn't beat on his brother (seriously, I wasn't kidding), he'd get $20. And as an added incentive, if he did a great job, he might get a tip. He felt this was fair, I felt this was affordable, everyone was happy. I gave him $50 for the week, in part because I felt he earned it, and in part because I really, really wanted to impress upon him how impressed I was with him. And hopefully this behavior will stick around, or at least come back to visit. Often.

How to wake up in three seconds flat

Open eyes at 4:23 a.m. *PING*

Inner (bitchy) voice says, slyly, "You didn't happen to mail out that really important document yesterday, did you?"

Say "CRAP". Out loud. Because no, I did not mail out that really important document yesterday. Fuck. Damnit.

Picture telling boss of my screw up.

Ty to not vomit.

Picture sneaking into work right now, in pjs, and mailing out document. But realize postage meter automatically updates and would still show document being mailed today and not yesterday as it was supposed to be you freaking fuckwit.

Picture breaking (brand spanking new all automatic stupid freaking fuckwit of a) postage meter.

Picture telling boss of my screw up.

Still trying to not throw up.

Take shower, wonder how long it takes between being fired and for them to repossess my car and foreclose on my house and ohmygod the boys and Dog and I will be homeless and we'll have to go live with my mother (not sure why her, but this is my panic session, I don't need to make sense) and then I'll be arrested for killing her because she drives me insane and my (former) boss will say, see, I knew she was bad, she didn't even remember to mail out my really important document.

Tear out hair and rend clothing. Collapse in heap on my bed, mourning what it was like before the Big Screw Up.

Then realize, crap. We're finishing that really important document today, which means I will be mailing it out this afternoon, not yesterday. Yesterday we finished a different really important document which did not have to be mailed out. I am an idiot. A still employed, very awake, shaky with relief and left over panic idiot.

It's going to be a long day.

Cybil times two

You remember my lovely meeting from hell in which we trod on your ego and make you feel like an unworthy piece of ...gum on the bottom of my shoe? Yeah, that one.

This week? Complete opposite. Not that I'm complaining, but could we arrange a system of some sort? Something to let me know what to expect? Because this week, my bosses have spent the entire week praising me. All week. Not just a 'thanks' but 'great job on this' and 'that's perfect!' and all sorts of other positive things.

I love it, don't get me wrong, but perhaps a code so I know what's coming and don't stand there with my mouth hanging open in shock would be nice. Always an attractive look, that. It's like working for two Cybils, I just never know what's coming.

Pick your battle

Last week was the end of school. Next week is daycamp. This week in between? Is the lost week wherein I completely forgot that there is nothing this week with which to tie up the boys, er, um, I mean, keep the boys occupied. So they are home, alone together.

I'm sure from my tales of woe regarding Boy 1, you understand my trepidation over leaving Boy 1 and Boy 2 and my house and Dog alone for the day, for an entire week. You can understand how I may spend many minutes at work wondering if my house is still standing. If Boy 2 has been sold to the gypsies yet. And if I will get a cut of that sale?

So far, I have been (to be honest) completely surprised. No fighting, no hurting, no bad tempers. Boy 1 has been great, even though Boy 2 has pulled the "you're not the boss of me" once or twice. I realize it's only two days into it, but still, two days of good behavior is great here. It's practically a record.

It also should have made me suspicious.

When getting ready for bed tonight, Boy 2 asked if he could sleep in the living room. This is a weekend treat, and I reminded him of that. He then said he couldn't sleep in his bed, so I offered to get him all tucked in the way he likes with his animals to help him get to sleep.

That wasn't the problem.

It seems my beloved heathens were hot this afternoon. And so played with the hose. (do you hear the scary music in the background?) Boy 2 got Boy 1 with the water, and when Boy 1 went to return the favor, Boy 2 ran in the house. Into his room, which is next to the back door. Which is next to the hose. So Boy 1 BROUGHT THE HOSE INSIDE. AND USED IT.

Anyone looking for a slightly damp mattress?

Boy 1 spent quite a while attempting to dry the mattress with my hair dryer, tonight. Not this afternoon, since their way of dealing with it then was to cover it with blankets. Brilliant. We had a long, nagging chat reminding them both that the hose belongs outside and should not come inside and water play (get your mind out of the gutter) belongs outside as well.

I suppose I'd prefer a wet mattress to anger and bludgeoning, but still.

The partying continues

You how Boy 1 spent the day before the last day of school at home, puking for 24 hours? Ah yes, well. Boy 2 is now following in his footsteps. We've spent the evening within 15 seconds of the toilet. I can't wait for my turn!

What a gem

You know how lucky I am? My ex-husband's wife sent me a birthday card. And a gift card. To her husband's ex-wife. Granted, I sent her a birthday card too, but still. I'm very lucky that we get along and don't fight and that I like her and she likes me. And mostly because of her, I like and get along well with the boys' dad. That's a pretty terrific birthday present, every day.

Oh yeah. I'm ...older than sixteen today. Don't act it, but certainly look it. 32. Mid-thirties. And my 13 year old son has a more active dating/love/social life than I do. Huh.