Woman with Kids

Gone

2011-05-03T06:17:00.000-05:00

Due to changes in schedule, the boys have been at their dad's for the past 4 weekends, so I have been at George's for the past 4 weekends. Which is really, really nice.

The only downside is that the weekend is when you do all the "stuff" that needs to be done and I haven't been here to do it. For instance, my bills were neatly put into a lovingly ignored pile. This morning I decided it was probably high time to at least acknowledge the Pile O'Bills.

And I. Can't. Find. It.

We're not talking just a couple pieces of paper, we're talking all my bills. Gone. Poof! ...do you think that means I don't owe them anymore? Well sir, your bill disappeared, so I logically assumed that meant the debt disappeared also. Right?

Time's a wastin'

2011-04-11T21:00:00.000-05:00

Folks, I have 6 weeks and 5 days until George (iwilllovehimandsqueezehimandcallhimGeorge!) and I go on vacation. We're going to visit friends of his on a lovely little island - sans heathen boys - for 7 days. SEVEN DAYS. Woot!!

The problem? I only have 6 weeks to: A. stop eating candy constantly; B. cure my addiction to Goldfish pretzel fishies, C. lose 10 pounds, D. grow that money tree so that I can actually afford to help with this trip.

That's a lot to do in 6 weeks and 5 days. And I have cramps today so it's really only 6 weeks and 4 days. And I'm lazy, so it's really something like 1 week wherein I panic.

Ack!

Same old

2011-04-05T10:57:00.000-05:00

Hi all! Still here, but boring. Sorry. As in, this past weekend was a great weekend.

I made a lovely dinner. George and Boy 2 installed a new garbage disposal and my heart totally melted all over the place because George is a great teacher and did a wonderful job giving Boy 2 parts to do while teaching him what needed to be done, without it being a Learning Moment. Both had fun. And, it was one less home repair job I had to do. Yay.

But see what I mean? Great but boring. And I'm absolutely fine with that.

Only drama going on is that I'm up for a cell phone renewal at the end of this month. And OMG, the choices. The decisions. What to do?

I have a crackberry now, and like it, but am thinking of moving on. Hard to take sneaky photos because crackberrys always make the stupid Taking A Picture sound which totally blows my cover. George has an iPhone, and while I can't get one because I'm with Tmobile and they don't have it, from playing with his, I've learned I cannot type on a touch screen. Absolutely Can Not. WTH? Apparently I have huge man hands. I aim for a certain letter, I picture myself touching the specific letter, and type 15 other letters instead. Makes putting directions into the gps app lots of fun. Poor thing is busy searching for Bsoidflsdjrton, MA.

So, I need a keyboard. Because I am an old fogey with huge man hands. And something with a really good built-in gps because my crackberry only tells me I am somewhere within this circle of 1200 miles, which is very helpful. I get lost ALL THE TIME and short of having an actual driver, I need a gps app that works well. Also I'd like to occassionally make phone calls on it, just for the fun of it.

So, ideas?

Where am I?

2011-03-23T05:56:00.000-05:00

Oh, hai! Well, to catch ya'll up... things here are pretty much the same. Boy 1 is still a teenager, still pushing limits and driving me nuts and oh, hey, let's throw lots of talks about sex and don't do it and don'tyoubringnobabies'roundhere and such. Boy 2 is now officially a teenager and every once in a while this great roaring bit of attitude comes flying out of his formerly lovely mouth. ...never should have taught them to talk, either of them... Still seeing George and fumbling along with that. Work is busy, Dog is still eating everything in sight, my dad is still here and driving me nuts.

So, yay.

Things with George are going well. I think. I mean, when I'm with him, it's perfect. I'm deliriously happy and things are great and I just want to freeze frame time and stay right there. Then I pick up the boys and Boy 1 spent the whole ride home quizzing me about what we're doing and what the future holds and what about this and what about that and now holycrap my mind will not shut off and I'm picking and poking and I would like a timeline laying out exactly what we're doing and when thankyouverymuch.

Crazy much? I seem to pick one issue a week that drives me insane, I obsess about it and if this one thing gets addressed I will be fine and things will be perfect and I bring up the Item of Obsession and we discuss it and things are great and then a little while later another item will pop into my head and stick there until I drive myself completely insane. Is this normal? I don't think this is normal...

Also? In about 8 weeks? George and I are going away for SEVEN WHOLE DAYS!!! to a lovely little island to visit friends of his, so I need to get my fat ass into shape. Perferably a shape other than round and squishy. Because there will be events requiring a swimsuit and I'm thinking muumuu does not equal sexy.

Easy

2011-03-03T07:02:00.000-05:00

Since I've been going to visit George, I now drive the boys to Him and Her's house. (George, Him and Her live fairly close, but in a different state than I do. Because that's super convenient!)

I sent Him and Her a text message yesterday, letting them know a deadline came up at work and I'm not sure what time we'll be there on Friday. I'll still bring the boys to their house, they don't have to move a muscle, but I've no idea what time. And that I was sorry for the inconvenience.

I got back 7 text messages from Her. What time did I think I would be there because she was thinking of doing this, but maybe doing that and so on. I again said I was really sorry, but I had no idea what time it would be. Could be normal time, could be 11 at night. She replied "when you say no idea what time, what time do you think that would be around?" At that point I stopped responding, because how many times can I say the same thing? And how many times have we changed meeting times last minute because of her work or plans or whatnot? Lots. And seriously, all she has to do is go home and wait for them to arrive, they don't have to do any driving. I got one more text from her, perhaps I could meet up with her somewhere. (answer? no. I'm not driving all over the state. I already drive them TO YOUR HOUSE.)

I got back a text message from Him later on. It said, "no problem."

See how easy that was?

Dropping bombs

2011-02-25T06:42:00.000-05:00

You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, open your bedroom door and luckily - LUCKILY! - look down before taking a step. Because Dog didn't feel well and was obviously trying to get your attention... by throwing up three times in front of your door.

So I get him to the back door to let him out... and he'd tried that door too. Only he didn't throw up. OMG. I let him out, clean up both messes and then scout out the house to find any other surprises. The last one made me laugh. He left a lovely dog bomb in the bathroom, less than a foot from the toilet. What a good boy, he was trying :). But so not a good way to start my morning.

And then? The minor little snow storm where it was going to be mostly sleet and a little snow? Is now 8-14 inches of snow. And George is supposed to come up tonight. Grrr.

I'm going to head into work soon and await the third bomb to drop...

Checked out

2011-02-21T18:13:00.000-05:00

Do you remember, back in the day, when checks were written? I mean, all the time, things were paid for with checks. I remember getting my first checking account at 16, on my own, with my money from my job to pay my bills, and thinking I was pretty cool shit. And then I quickly learned that being a quasi-adult sucked, in that even with my limited bills, my funds were still less than needed.

Ahem. My point was, I used to use checks all the time. Paying bills, groceries, shopping, all of it was done with checks. And over time that changed. I get points on my debit card so I use that all the time now. I only have two monthly bills that I can't pay online. I wrote a check yesterday at probably one of the last food establishments on earth that only accepts check or cash.

And that led to me learning two things. 1? I went to put in a new book of checks, and realized that the two boxes of duplicate checks I had? I ordered in July of 2008. Seriously.

And 2? That was actually my last check. As in, I'm out of checks. And of course, the two bills I have to pay via check, cannot pay online or in person, are due in a couple of days.

Frustration

2011-02-16T06:29:00.000-05:00

My frustration level has been really high lately. Like, instead of sleeping, I've spent most of the past couple nights laying in bed while my stomach twists and my hands clench. Why? Because lately, my life has been a series of things like this:

My father's laptop can't get on the internet, hasn't for a couple of weeks. I've looked at it, the boys have looked at it, George looked at it. We have no idea. So he used my laptop yesterday, again. My theory is that he was trying to recreate what happened to his laptop so he could fix it, but the problem is he knows NOTHING about computers, does not understand how they work and doesn't take the time to read what he is doing. He just hits buttons and hits ok.

So I walk in the door to be told my laptop can no longer access the internet. F. I take a look at it and discover he's changed the log in password, without even knowing it, so it makes me a good half hour just to log in to my computer. He's lost my wireless connection and deleted the router. And shut the antivirus program off. He's also changed the settings so the desktop is way too big for the screen.

Two and half hours later I had most of it fixed, although when I logged in this morning my anti virus says I must uninstall and reinstall because there is a problem. Yay! Dad INSISTS he was just going on the internet, not doing anything else, but there is no way he could do everything that was done by surfing the internet.

Also last night, while attempting to make the stupid hunk of plastic work, Boy 1 asked me if George was coming to Boy 2's birthday this weekend. I said I didn't think he was, he had a meeting on Saturday. We then had a quick discussion on whether he was ok with George being around, would he have been uncomfortable with George coming to the birthday party? When George was up last time, the boys and I talked afterwards and they had said they were fine with him, glad he had come up.

Boy 1 said he was fine if George came up, Him had asked this past weekend if George would be there.

... wth?

Turns out, Him quizzed both boys on whether George would be there (because that's what good parents do, put the children in the middle instead of just asking me). The boys told him they didn't know and then he told them if George was there, he was not going to Boy 2's birthday party, because he wasn't ready to face him.

WTF? What the f'ing fuck is wrong with him? To say that, to his child, about his child's birthday party? I don't care if I was dating Hitler and Satan's love child, it is your child's birthday party. Your stupid ass should be there because it is YOUR CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.

He told his child 'I won't go to your birthday party if mommy's friend goes'. Didn't speak to me about it, didn't mention at any time, 'hey, I'm not comfortable with this, can he not go', just went ahead and told his child I won't go to your birthday party if he's there. What the fuck is wrong with him?

I have no idea what he means by not ready to face him, last I knew, Him and George had a cordial relationship but George didn't break up with Him, so I'm not sure what his problem is. Aside from being a complete and utter asshat. I haven't talked to Him about it yet because I haven't come up with a way to discuss it without calling him a complete and utter asshat, and I'm guessing that wouldn't help.

Gimme

2011-02-15T06:45:00.000-05:00

Boy 2's 13th birthday is next Monday.

First, OMFG MY BABY IS A FREAKING TEENAGER?!?!?! WTH? I did not authorize this.

Ahem. The problem is that he doesn't really want anything.

Seriously.

He'd like money, but he's fine with what he has. Also? He rescheduled his birthday party because the Boys and Girls Club is having teen time on Saturday and he'd rather go to that. Over his own birthday party.

Seriously.

So he and a friend are going to the skateboard park on Sunday and if he's lucky, he'll get a cake at some point. And he's fine with that. Who is this kid?

What do you get for a kid who would maybe like some money but is fine with getting nothing and can't really think of anything he needs or wants at the moment?

The Big VD

2011-02-14T20:15:00.000-05:00

So. Under the "Don't Get Excited But It's Really Exciting" category... Today? Being Valentine's Day? I wasn't sure exactly what that means for people who are "just talking". I'm not sure what a lot of things mean, truthfully, but we're kinda feeling our way along. But Valentine's Day? Erg.

We saw each other this past weekend and no mention was made of the big VD. It was a mix, I think, of carefully not mentioning it and it just not coming up.

So today, I had no expectations. We're just talking. Talking people don't do things for Valentine's Day. Right? Right.

Turns out? Talking people sometimes send 18 beautiful red roses to other talking people's work.

Squee!

Also? I think I'll call Stupid Exboyfriend who's not so stupid and maybe not so ex? George. As in, I'll hug him and squeeze him and call him George.

The weekend

2011-02-06T18:48:00.000-05:00

Overall, the weekend was great. So I'm not complaining, but merely sharing the ups and downs. Which kinda sorta sounds like complaining but I'm smiling so whatever.

The artist formerly known as Stupid Exboyfriend (ideas on a new name? Formerly Stupid Exboyfriend Who Had Better Not Fuck It Up Again, or FSBWHBNFIUA for short? Maybe Bob? Fritz? Ideas??) came up this weekend. The boys were supposed to go to their dad's and I was supposed to go FSBWHBNFIUA's house but nothing goes as planned around here. The boys stayed home, and FSBWHBNFIUA was very brave and came up for the weekend. And it went well. Seriously. No major dramas, the boys didn't have a problem with anything, it was fabulous. Boy 1 even took me aside to tell me he really likes FSBWHBNFIUA and hopes things work for us. It probably helped that he brought brownies with him...

On the down side, my father was ECSTATIC about having another person to tell stories to, and these were probably the best ever. And by best ever I mean so far out in left field away from anything resembling the truth it couldn't even see the truth. Not even with a telescope. Several of the stories were actually things I had done/had happened to me, but in the new and improved version, I was nowhere to be found, they happened to him. But even beyond that, they were completely false only resembling the original occurence in the barest of details. On one hand, it makes me a wee bit angry that he's telling these stories about things I've done around the house or whatever, and now they're things he's done. On the other, it scares me that he seriously, honestly believes these things to be the truth. Like has no idea that he is completely lying. Outright, not a word of truth, lying.

On the bright side, it was a lovely relaxing weekend and also a good ...test? example? of how life is around here. Lots of boys and boys' friends and animals and my dad and grocery shopping and snow blowing the driveway and just life. Not terribly exciting but I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was great to see that FSBWHBNFIUA enjoyed it too. So yay! We're not terribly scary.
Slightly scary is that everything in my room? Squeaks. WTH? The drawer pulls on the bureau rattle with the slightest movement, which I had never noticed before, the bed squeaks, and ...well... I'm not terribly good at volume control. (I KNOW, TMI, SORRY!) Which may have been terribly scary for FSBWHBNFIUA, as he was half expecting the dog, cat, boys and my dad to come bang on the door and tell us to quiet down. Luckily no one did, I don't think they noticed nor was it that loud. Loud enough but not that loud.

So, yay!

Hi there!

2011-02-02T20:22:00.000-05:00

Well, hello there! This thing? This blog? ahem... a little neglected. Sorry. I've been busy and it's been snowing and um... you know... stuff?

To sum up. Stupid Exboyfriend and I are still talking. Unfortunately I have 2 teenagers in this house who are completely inappropriate (right, but still inappropriate) who have made many, several, lotsa jokes about "talking" and so now the word "talking" is innuendo for everything from communication to sex. Which is great, no? Your teenagers making sex jokes and they're aimed at you? Lovely! Parent of the Year award is practically in the bag! Ahem.

The ...talking... is going well. I think. I also think I've become bipolar because one minute I think it's going well and I'm happy and then next minute I realize it's been 5 minutes since he last sent me a text and he must be completely done with me and ...oh wait, there's a text. So I'm insane, which is fun.

Also I started running/walking/crawling on my treadmill again. The boys and I are involved in our local Boys and Girls Club (fantastic organization, BTW) and they are having (holding? doing?) a 5k in April. So I decided I would run it. It's only a little over 3 miles and I can that, right? So I've been walking/jogging more often. And you know what happened?

Remember how my girl parts were not functioning correctly? (I think I told ya'll about that, right. aren't you lucky?) With the endless period that lasted about 6 months and the doctor couldn't find anything wrong even though they did tests and poked and prodded and then kinda shrugged their shoulders and said "I dunno." Well, it seems to have come back. WTH?

And then I thought about it and realized that it started last time around the same time as I took up running. Of course, I had stopped running long before the girl parts finally got their act together, so it's likely just a coincidence and not connected at all. It's not like I'm running hard or for a long time or pushing myself or anything. Only now? It's a real pain in the ass, on top of just being disconcerning and expensive what with single-handedly keeping Tampax in business. Because it's harder to ...talk... when things are not behaving appropriately. Just saying.

Talking

2011-01-10T06:23:00.000-05:00

So. Stupid Exboyfriend and I met up this past weekend and talked. And we're going to talk. So that's what we're doing for now. We're talking.

On one hand? WOOHOO! Talking is good and a first step and yeehaw! and I'm pretty happy.

On the other? Jesus dude, you break my heart again and I will seriously have to cut you. I mean, in a nice way, of course.

I let the boys know we're talking, to at least give them time to adjust IF it goes anywhere and both boys are happy about it. So that's good.

I suppose we need to stop calling him Stupid Exboyfriend for now. Boy 2 suggested a more respectful Mr. Dumbass...

Why?

2011-01-03T06:09:00.000-05:00

Why can you not feed the animals without getting twice as much food on the floor as you do in their bowls?

Why do you have to go to the bathroom - right now! - 2 minutes after I get into the shower?

Why do you always feel ready to have a serious discussion about whatever has been bothering you 15 minutes after your bedtime?

Why do you merely giggle when you pass gas in public but loudly ask everyone around you who farted? do you smell that?! whenever I pass gas in public?

Why do feel the need to express every thought that passes through your head whenever I have a headache?

Why do you insist on leaving your stinky, nasty, smelly sneakers in my room, just under my bed so I wake up at 3 a.m. gagging but not able to find the source?

Why are you growing up so fast?

And now

2010-12-27T21:43:00.000-05:00

Did ya'll have a great holiday? Hope so. I did. And I am so freaking glad it's over. It was genuinely nice, but there was also a lot of SMILING REAL BIG because if I'm SMILING REAL BIG my mouth isn't saying something I might regret later. But my brain was not SMILING REALY BIG because it was busy thinking things that were better left unsaid. But would have been so fun to say. At least for a minute or two.

Him and Her ended up staying with us Christmas Eve, which was nice for the boys. Only slightly awkward. Moreso because Her ... well, I'm sure we're all a pain in the ass to each other. But since I'm closer to perfect, it's much easier to see all the things others do to drive me insane. It was a lot of little things. She was upset because a mutual friend had sent the boys and I a christmas card. Now, he had also sent Him and Her a christmas present, and he sent the boys a present (he was Him's friend first), but we received a card along with the present. And that was a huge offense for Her. Just stupid little things like that which were apparently Big Deals. But I didn't realize they would be Big Deals so I kept blindly stomping into landmines. Which? Fun!

On what may or may not be a brighter note... I received an email from Stupid Exboyfriend. And we've been emailing back and forth. And tentatively have plans to meet and talk. And one part of me is grinning from ear to ear and sofuckinghappy and O!M!G! and the other part of me thinks this is going to hurt really, really badly but I can't stop myself and I don't think I want to. Because what if? You know?

All Done

2010-12-19T07:08:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm done. Christmas shopping is complete. I have phones for both boys - exact same phone which on one hand is great because no fighting that his phone is better than my phone and on the other hand, bad, very bad, as I see many phone mix-ups in our future. I looked for skins or something to distinguish the phones but haven't found any yet.

All presents are wrapped and currently taking up a ton of the limited floor space in my bedroom. I'm to the point where I can't freaking wait for Christmas just so I can walk in my room without having to gingerly hop, skip and jump over things to get to my underwear drawer each morning.

This weekend was cookie weekend, which wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I have a cookie party today - caramel crunch snickerdoodles - and I make a tin of cookies for my bosses because what the hell do you get for someone who makes a hell of a lot more than you and whose wife has been rumored to not think highly of his secretaries? So, cookies! Cookies for you and your beautiful wife and family!

(side note: his wife called the other day and asked for Boss. Boss was standing at my desk, so I told her to hold on, I'd grab him. And then thought in my head OHMYGAWD! I did not just say that! There is no grabbing! Please don't let her think I grab him. No grabbing! None! CRAP!! because I am paranoid like that)

The sequel

2010-12-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

After many days spenting calling the post office, each and every day, to be told by millions of postal workers that they have no idea where the missing christmas present cell phone package is, why don't I call... anywhere else? And calling practically all over the country, looking for the missing christmas present cell phone package. And being told, very patiently, by one lovely postal worker lady in Kentucky that, you see, the problem is they don't know where the package is.

The end.

Because apparently, that was supposed to be an acceptable ending to the story. And when I oh so calmly ~~lost my mind~~ explained that I know they don't know where it is and so help me Charlie we need to find it because it is a christmas present cell phone package and I already have the same christmas present cell phone for one child but I have two children and she does not understand the carnage that will break out at my house should I have a big gift for one boy and ...a picture of a big gift for the other, she was stumped. And directed me to call other people.

Long story even longer, it seems that the missing christmas present cell phone package? Was never actually really sent out. I kid you not. A very kind postal worker took pity on me and actually called my cell phone company, because they insisted it had been mailed. She got them to understand that ~~they fucked up~~ it had not actually been mailed at all.

And then my cell phone company offered to try again. It should get here next week they told me. I laughed. I couldn't help it. I know it wasn't the fault of the woman I was speaking to, she was trying to be helpful, but seriously? You want me to try again, the week before christmas? You have got to be kidding.

I finally got them to cancel my order and refund my money and fix it for Charlie's sake, and I was happy.

Until I realized that I still don't have a freaking cell phone for one boy. I'm thinking I need to go shopping soon...

Call me

2010-12-14T06:35:00.000-05:00

So, I decided to get Boy 1 a new phone for Christmas. Unfortunately, his cell phone wasn't up for upgrading at a reasonable price, but Boy 2's was. Since Boy 2 likes the phone he has now, I decided to get a new phone under Boy 2's cell phone line, but give it to Boy 1.

Let me list for you all the ways this has gone wrong so far.

Boy 1's phone was ordered on December 3. According to the post office tracking number, I would have it in my hot little hands by December 7. Yesterday I called and the initiated "research" because the phone? According to their tracking process, hasn't actually left the first post office it was shipped from. So that's fun.

And Boy 2 and I were discussing Christmas and what to get for people and I mentioned that Boy 1 was getting a phone. Can you guess where this is going? Boy 2 was excited for Boy 1. And also wants a new phone. Apparently, he actually hates the phone he has now but just hasn't complained about it. How has he not learned that the squeaky boy gets the oil in this house?

Since I already used Boy 2's upgrade for Boy 1... I was stumped. I went to a local store and explained the problem to them, and the guy told me I could either start a new cell phone line and use that phone (huh? really? pay for another line just for a phone? really?) or get a prepaid phone and put Boy 2's sim card into that one. Sweet!

So, now I have one new cell phone and two boys. Wonder how that's going to work?

That boy is funny

2010-12-08T07:21:00.000-05:00

Boy 1 took the bus after school to his girlfriend K's house the other day. As soon as he got there, he (did as he was ordered) had K's dad call me, so that I knew there was a parent at home with the teenagers and it was not two teenagers, at home, alone. Don't you bring no babies 'round here. He stayed for dinner and then K's dad was going to bring him home.

This is our actual text conversation. See why I think he is so darned funny?

Boy 1: Can I stay until 9:30 to finish this movie :-)? Pls??

Me: K. Love you

Boy 1: Love you. Sorry. 9:45ish.

Me. K. Drive carefully, it's slippery out (yes I know you're not driving, it still has to be said)

Boy 1: Can I sleepover? Since its slippery?

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHA

Me: HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA.... HAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAAHHAHA

Boy 1: :-) Just asking

Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Boy 1: Got it. I understand.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHHAHA You are funny funny boy.

Boy 1: On my way home.

Newest panic

2010-12-05T16:42:00.000-05:00

Hey, I've come up with something new to worry about. (thank goodness, right?) You see, when I was Boy 1's age (16) (OMG!), I had been working part time after school and full time in the summers for 2 years. I had already purchased my first car, on my own. I had a checking account, purchased all of my own clothing, school supplies, car insurance, gas, registration, etc. I was pretty independent. I came and went as I pleased and was responsible enough to handle that. (you know, except for that getting pregnant at 17 thing. My bad.)

In less than 2 years, Boy 1 will be 18. (OMFG!) 18. As in legally of age. He can move out on his own. He can vote. He will be responsible for his actions. (oh wait... yay! I like that one...)

I'm panicked about this for two reasons. First, because Boy 1 is no where near ready for that. He hasn't even started working towards drivers ed. Has no money saved for it, has no plans to work or do chores to earn the money for his portion of it. He still wants to be tucked in at night. He is not ready for real life.

And also? I've been a mom since I was 17. I drastically changed my whole life, from a teenager planning to go to college and do all kinds of things, to a mom whose sons come first.

What the hell do I do in two short years when my baby is all grown up? I know, I still have Boy 2 but he's far more mature than Boy 1. Which means in 2 short years, he's going to be much more grown up than Boy 1 is. Which puts both my babies at pretty much grown up.

I obviously need to get more babies.

Challenging

2010-12-04T07:14:00.000-05:00

I have a challenge for you. Well, it's a challenge for me and I'm ready to throw my hands in the air (and wave them like I just don't care), so I'm laying it on you. No pressure. Don't screw it up or Christmas is ruined. Thanks.

My aunt, E. She's a wonderful woman who has been a stand-in since my mother left and who loves the boys and I. She has A LOT of health issues and has that dreaded disease, Always-Look-At-The-Dark-Side-Of-Things-itis. It doesn't matter what is going on in life, she can find that cloud, no matter how well hidden it is behind the silver lining. Her oldest son finally got married? But he's moving away and too busy for her. She doesn't have any grandkids. She wants grandkids. She gets two grandkids within 6 months? They live too far away, she doesn't get to see them. When she does get to see them, it's not for long enough. And she can't physically do everything she'd like to do.

She has a hard time seeing, can't drive after dusk, no one wants to go to the movies with her, going out is too much work, etc. She loves to read but the large print books are heavy and her neck hurts and back hurts and she guesses she can't even read anymore.

So, the challenge is this: What the hell do I give her for Christmas? Even if money was unlimited, I would have no idea what to get her. Since money is very, very limited... I guess I'm in the same place either way.

Each year, I try. I've given her a large buttoned tv remote, because she had a hard time seeing the buttons on her normal one. It was too big. I got her a lap tray that titled and had a little light to place her books on, so she wouldn't hurt her neck looking down. It was "awkward". She's cold often, so I got her a lovely soft fleece throw. She was afraid she would forget she had it on her legs, get up and then trip. And probably die. Because of the evil throw. She loves to go to the movies, so I got her gift certificates to the local movie theater. She didn't want to go alone and I'm not available to go with her often enough because I have to work. Damn me. Every year I try to get something that she will enjoy or will be useful or for pete's sack is something more than a stick of gum because that's my best idea so far this year.

Thoughts?

Christmas decorating Dog

2010-12-02T06:29:00.000-05:00

Poor Dog has two strikes against him because he's a lab/retriever mix and the medicine he takes for the epilepsy makes him hungry. Between the two, he's quite content to eat anything and everything he can. Before he started on the medicine, he could be trusted around food, for at least brief periods of time. If the boys left a sandwich on a plate while they ran to get a drink, Dog would be closer to the plate but the sandwich would still be there.

Not so much anymore. Now we have to take the trash bag outside whenever we leave the house (which means we go through a lot of trash bags) because no matter how tightly closed it is, Dog can get into it. In the past week, he's eaten a box of ginger snaps, a box of cheese-its, a bag of caramel flavored rice cakes (shut up, we are snacking people) and yesterday, an entire container of chocolate flavored calcium chews. Tin foil wrappers and all. We have decided that eating the calcium chews was Dog's contribution to decorating for Christmas. How? Can you imagine how ...shiny and sparkly our yard is going to be soon from all that tin foil?

Decisions - Part II

2010-11-30T19:33:00.000-05:00

So after thinking about it (and reading your great input), I told Boy 2 tonight that if he didn't want to, he didn't need to wear his jacket just yet. If his teacher would like, she was more than welcome to talk to me about it. He thought that was great and was pretty excited.

And then he went to get his stuff ready for tomorrow, and put his jacket next to his backpack.

When he saw me looking at him funny, he gave me a sheepish smile. It seems that while he didn't want to wear it, he realized he was warmer when he wears a jacket. Imagine that.

Decisions

2010-11-30T07:35:00.000-05:00

Now, to set the stage, I live in New England. It's getting cold here but not terrible yet. I bundle up but the boys are boys, which means they are never cold. Unless I want them to shovel snow. In which case they're freezing.

Boy 2 walks to school, about a mile away. He could take the bus but chooses to walk. Fine, his choice. He wears gloves and a sweatshirt because he's rarely cold and he's walking which warms him up.

Yesterday his teacher told him he needed to start wearing a jacket or she was going to call his mother and speak to her. Me.

Boy 2 and I discussed it, and I debated internally, about what to do.

On one hand, it is getting colder and in another few weeks, I would insist he wear a jacket.

But on the other, he's not cold. He's wearing gloves and a sweatshirt and he's fine with it. I'd prefer he wear a jacket but it's not a fight I chose to take on. I mean, he's a smart kid, if he was cold he'd wear a jacket.

What do you think? Should he wear a jacket right now or should his teacher be told that he's fine and to mind her own?

Fantasies

2010-11-27T21:16:00.000-05:00

I ventured out into the world today and it was crazy. Since people watching is one of my favorite forms of entertainment, it was a great day. However, I also noticed that I talk to myself a lot, so hopefully I provided entertainment to others too. See how giving I am?

While trying to pick out some gifts for my nieces, I wandered the pink aisle. The one where every bit of packaging is bubble gum pink. In the midst of this pinkness, there were several 'playing house' type items. My favorites? My Fantasy Iron and My Fantasy Toaster. Because every girl dreams of the day when she's a grown woman and can make toast.

And I'm curious, when did all the dress up princess outfits morph into dress up whore outfits? Every single one featured a short skirt or midriff baring shirts. It was for a 3 year old, people. I'm thinking we don't need to tart her up for another 4 or 5 years.

Then when picking out Barbie dolls, I found that Barbie has come a long way. Or not. They had puppy potty trainer Barbie, I kid you not. And? And! The best part? When you move the girl dogs' tails, they pee. When you push the boy dogs' backs, they LIFT A LEG and pee. And some - I swear this is real - are shy and you have to squeeze them. Seriously. OMG. WTF? There was also baby sitter Barbie, which featured Barbie with a small kid sitting on a toilet. When you pushed the button, it made flushing sounds.

Someone at Barbie headquarters has some serious issues. Or fetishes. Either way, perhaps they should be working with a different type of doll.

Sleep shopping

2010-11-26T20:51:00.001-05:00

The boys and I had a great Thanksgiving day with family, the good parts of the family ( :-) ) and eat a lot. And then we also had cheeseburgers, you know, while we were waiting for dinner.

They are off to their dad's house for the rest of the weekend and I've tackled a few chores I've been avoiding. Dusting. Cleaning. Laundry. You know, none of the necessary stuff. I've spent most of the day having an internal dialogue about money. And bills. And how they just don't seem to match up. And how lately, the gap betweening the matching is so far off, it's not even in the same neighborhood. As in, the bills are in my neighborhood inside my house, and my income and I are in a cardboard box in some dark, rainy street in New York.

Also? Even my fat pants are tight which is freaking ridiculous. And has nothing to do with snacktime cheeseburgers. shut up.

All of which ties in together because I'm apparently stunningly oblivious, as I have no idea how either thing is happening. I mean, I don't make great money but it's not minimum wage, and I don't think I spend extravagently, I haven't purchased a new pair of shoes in months (sob) and I haven't even purchased many Christmas presents yet, so where the hell is my money? It's not there, I haven't actually paid any bills and my phone is constantly ringing with creditors calling to wish me happy holidays. Or something. I'm assuming it's holiday greetings because surely they don't think I have money to pay them and I'm just choosing not to? I'm just waiting for the personal touch of them calling me before I'll pay my bill? Nah. That can't be it.

The outcome from the day long debate (aside from my fabulous idea to just throw all of the boys friggin socks into a tube a bucket and letting them figure it out because matching 18 different lengths of white socks? shoot me.) is that I must be sleep spending and sleep eating. Or Dog has mastered the art of online shopping...

TMI It's all about timing

2010-11-22T20:07:00.000-05:00

I apologize in advance. Why too much information here.

I don't need a calendar, and since my "woman's time" runs on some calendar not known to man (ha! that's funny), a calendar wouldn't work anyway.

I can tell the exact time of the month by various other clues:

I cry at everything. Literally, everything. I cry over my grandfather who passed away 15 years ago, I cry over being out of ice cream, I cry. = having period, probably for the last week or so.

I feel normal = about a week after my period has stopped.

I think that elderly man shuffling along in front of me in the grocery store smells absolutely yummy and has a really sexy shuffle and I wonder if maybe having daddy issues would be a good thing = I'm ovulating.

I eat everything in sight, everything that is hidden from sight, everything that has probably gone past it's 'best by' date but has no or hopefully very little visible mold = my period is coming soon.

I fucking hate everyone in my fucking sight holy crap on stick why is everyone such an asshole and why can I not hit them with sticks OMFG I am so fucking bloated and holy crap why can't my boobs be this big the rest of the month and where the f' is my chocolate = my period is here and ya'll better watch out.

It felt like normal

2010-11-20T17:05:00.000-05:00

So, the boys and I went to see HARRY POTTER!!, the 12:05 a.m. showing. (Side note: it was great. fantastic. must see it again.) We got home around 3 a.m., and I got to sleep around 4. Because, like always, even though I was tired, I couldn't actually get to sleep. I was up at 6:30 to get the boys in gear and then headed off to work. So, about 3 hours of sleep.

I felt... normal. I expected to feel really tired because, hello, 3 hours of sleep. I decided it was just left over adrenaline because, hello, HARRY POTTER!! But as the day wore on, I still didn't feel any different. Sure, I felt tired but no more tired than I always feel.

And then I began thinking back about most nights. Hard time falling aleep. Waking up often. Usually not able to get back to sleep after 4:30 or 5 even though I'm tired. And I wondered how much sleep I normally get, where 3 hours of sleep feels like normal.

Harry Potter!

2010-11-18T06:54:00.002-05:00

The boys and I are going to see Harry Potter tonight. TONIGHT! Well, actually, that's a lie. The movie doesn't officially come out until tomorrow, so movie time is 12:05 a.m. In the o'freaking early in the morning. And then after getting approximately 5 minutes of sleep, we'll be off to school and work. Huh. That should be entertaining. But seriously, it's Harry Potter.

Wanna panic?

2010-11-15T06:57:00.000-05:00

There are only 5 more weekends until Christmas. Five. Five weekends which will also hold the regular chores, errands, grocery shopping but will also have visits with friends and family and get togethers and office parties and girls get togethers and at least 20 school events that last 29 hours and baking - OMG the baking. Oh, and Christmas shopping. You know, that minor little thing.

Commence panicking.

You're welcome.

OMG I'M BRILLIANT

2010-11-13T21:22:00.000-05:00

The other day I was lamenting the lack of single perfect men fluttering around me. Hmm. Maybe not fluttering. That doesn't sound very manly. Scratching and farting around me? Nah, there's plenty of that from the boys. Men around me. Let's just leave it at that.

During my lamenting (mid-lament?), I had a brilliant idea. Brilliant. And it will catch on like wildfire and not only will the perfect single man flutter, scratch AND fart around me, everyone will find their perfect single man fluttering and scratching and farting away. It's brilliant.

I will start a website where all single people go and sign up and they can see the other single people in their area and meet them and then life will be perfect. Every single person will go on and sign up.

Oh. Wait. I've just invented match.com. You know, several years too late.

Sick

2010-11-12T18:41:00.000-05:00

Well. Him and Her are being... Him and Her. And Boy 1 is a little tired of it. He decided he didn't want to go to his dad's this weekend, because it's stressful. Him and Her wanted my advice and since I want to stay out of the middle of that hot mess, I told them that it would probably help to listen to Boy 1 more than talking at him. They both agreed; wise advice. And promptly got back on the phone with Boy 1 to tell him how it wasn't actually stressful for him. Because listening is best done with your mouth running and who would know best how Boy 1 is feeling than someone other than Boy 1 who sees him for a day every two weeks.

Also? I have a cold. A present from my boss who was out sick the other day but returned to work sounding like death warmed over and in a slightly cranky mood. Yesterday and today, my head feels like it's both being crushed and going to explode and I keep sneezing and I am in a slightly cranky mood too, which means work = never ending fun!

Which all means it is the perfect time for us to have a staff meeting. Which K, the nosy, noisy, pain in the ass coworker of mine who frigging giggles and drives me insane with her talking and her know-it-all-ness, LOVES. When someone asked a question about overtime, she restated their question as though it were her own. When we were talking about dead file boxes and I stated I have a large stack that needs to go downstairs, she piped up that while I may have one large stack, she has TWO! Two large stacks! Her stacks are twice as much as mine! And so on ad naseum.

I handled it maturely though. I only sneezed on her a couple of times.

Night sky

2010-11-09T21:01:00.000-05:00

As ya'll may have guessed, Boy 1 is obnoxious. I mean, he's a 16 year old boy who alternates between I Am Man and temper tantrums several times per minute. Obviously, this means his body and its changes and the noises he can make and things he can do are endlessly fascinating. Like they were when he was 2. Fart noises? Still funny. Actual farts? Hysterical. Farting on command? He is a genius.

Lately, his move of choice has been mooning. Probably because the first 300 times he did it, he caught me by surprise and when I'm surprised by a naked ass, I tend to yell something along the lines of HOLY CRAP ON A STICK COVER YOUR ASS! You know, like a mature, responsible parent.

The biggest problem with Boy 1 mooning me? You know, aside from seeing my 16 year old's naked ass? Is that he doesn't do it properly. Didn't know there was an improper way to moon? There is. Instead of merely dropping trow and showing his bum... he really drops trow. Like, to his knees. And instead of merely showing his bum... he shows... the whole... night sky. Moon and stars and the whole business. And if you think seeing a naked ass will make me yell inappropriate things, try walking around the corner to see that whole mess and imagine the inappropriateness that I yell then.

Boys will be cranky toddlers?

2010-11-07T18:22:00.000-05:00

The boys? They are going to drive me crazy. Assuming they haven't already, which is definitely debatable. Though they are 16 and 12, they act like 2 and 2.

One minute they hate each other and I can't even take a quick shower without having to holler from the bathroom, "STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" By the time I've slammed the water off, yanked the curtain back, slung a towel around me and stomped out to the living room, they're fine. I huff and puff and utter bad words while dripping water and soap suds on the carpet and they blink at me like I have absolutely lost my mind.

I stomp back to the bathroom and restart the shower to the dulcet tones of my boys yelling at each other and attempting to rearrange each other's faces.

I made Boy 2 go with me to the grocery store because I figured leaving them alone together for an hour would result in at least one emergency room visit. They were completely baffled that I was overreacting so much. Overreacting. Because I was tired of them killing each other every 13 seconds. Overreacting.

And then my head spun around and split pea soup sprayed out of my mouth and I believe I spoke in ancient languages because trying to understand boys is completely impossible.

Nothing to worry about

2010-11-07T07:48:00.000-05:00

And another one bites the dust. See? No need to worry. No spark, no click, no anything. And? His profile stated he was 5'7". I do not think that means what he thinks it means. Because my 5'2 3/4" self in 1.5" heels, clearly saw the top of his head. I think I would like to live in a movie. No one worries about money, cute guys fall from the trees and when something bad is going to happen? The music would let me know. Sounds perfect.

Newer Worries

2010-11-04T05:44:00.000-05:00

The elections are over just in time because I have something bigger to deal with.

What to wear for my date on Saturday? We're going out to dinner and then to see a stand up comedian so I want to look nice without being too dressy and it's going to be cold and I've put on 3 pounds. So. I'm thinking something along the lines of a dressed up sausage roll. Sex-say.

We started emailing (met online. there are no men in the real world) and have been texting for the past couple weeks, several times a day. He seems, on paper, to be very nice, funny, etc. A little shorter than I'd prefer but since I'm a little more sausage like than I'd prefer, I guess that's fair. I think we're getting to the point where the fun in being pen pals is wearing off, so we need to meet or ... meet. So, we'll see how that goes.

Since it's loads of fun to worry, I've already picked any potential relationship apart. He lives an hour away and has a business and a house there. I have a house and a job I like here, not to mention the boys are in school and settled and see me jumping ahead and creating problems? Maybe I should go on our first date before I figure out how us moving in together/getting married/things that could occur in the future will be difficult.

It has made realize that I don't really want a relationship. I want a blow up doll with a paycheck and the ability to handle any stray ground hogs that wander into the house.

That seems reasonable, right?

How to Get my Vote

2010-10-31T07:36:00.000-05:00

Dear Campaigners:

I understand it's a tough race. As it seems to be every year. It doesn't seem to matter what else is going on, what you are running for, how many contenders are also running for the same spot; it's a tough race and ya'll start with the mud slinging earlier each time.

Let me tell you a secret. You want my vote? At the start of the campaign season (which seems to have been last January, because these stupid ads have been running forever), I needed facts. I wanted to know where you stood on important issues like women's rights, taxes, gay marriage and whether you would increase taxes on shoe purchases.

By now? The first person to promise to outlaw campaign ads has my vote. Seriously. At this time, I don't give a flying damn if you'll also vote to make kicking puppies legal and mandate that everyone must Crocks for the rest of their lives. Get rid of the TV ads, the pounds and pounds of junk mail that I get each day and my vote is yours.

Love, Fed Up

And we're done

2010-10-30T06:39:00.000-05:00

I went on date #2 with R last night. Perfectly nice guy. Tallish. Smart. Good job. Absolutely no spark whatsoever. le sigh. And sadly, once we'd discussed our jobs and the weather and a few random stories that had nothing to do with anything but we needed something to fill the silence, there was not much to talk about. Or joke about. No joking or banter or any of that which is kind of trivial but with two kids? Sense of humor is required.

We went to dinner and then on a haunted hay ride, which was fun. Now, as a back story, over the years I've taken a couple of self-defense courses. So keep that in mind. We go on the hay ride and various scarily dressed people/mummies/mad men/scary things jump out of the woods at you. Then some of them would walk along side the wagon we were riding on, very close to our legs, and just stare or yell or such. So Pinhead was walking with us, right next to my legs. Fine, argh, scary. Then he suddenly got right in my face and yelled. And I reacted by ...forcefully moving my palms up and out. And kinda hit him in the face. Pinhead yelled 'geez' and did not try to scare me again. Which, I'm really sorry for the poor kid just trying to make a buck by working on a haunted hay ride and I told him I was sorry, but it did make me laugh. I hurt Pinhead. I am a total badass.

And that was the highlight of the date. So, I won't be seeing R again. But on the bright side, for some reason, 4 guys had started chatting with me at the same time. One dropped out, one I went on one date with (blah), one was R and the last guy standing? Is actually my favorite. We haven't met yet but have been texting throughout the past few days. We actually texted for about 2 hours the first night. Something to talk about? Check. Banter? Check. Sense of humor? Check.

Hope he doesn't mind that I'm a badass.

Rocky

2010-10-26T19:26:00.000-05:00

My friend J and I used to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show all the time. In junior high. I know, how much more appropriate could we get? What better movie could there be for two 13 year old girls to watch than the Rocky Horror Picture Show? um... maybe actual porn? Lol. We thought we were pretty cool.

Glee is doing the Rocky Horror Picture Show tonight. And while I haven't ever watched Glee before, and haven't seen the Rocky in many, many moons, I'm loving it. And walking around the house singing, "Damnit, Janet! I love you" and "Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock and roll!"

Biting my tongue: Part 812

2010-10-26T06:02:00.000-05:00

Him called last night. He'd come home from a poker game and Him and Her had a fight. It came out that Her has cheated on Him in the past. He's upset, obviously, and not sure what to do. After his huge debacle this summer, he doesn't really have any options. His parents won't take him in, he doesn't have a driver's license and most of his friends were also his suppliers. And coming here is not an option so don't even think it.

And while I'm sorry for Him and sorry for the problems they are going through, I still had to bite my tongue. A lot.

So that I didn't mention how the money he was gambling away on his poker game could have gone towards the thousands of dollars of back child support he owes and is still accruing since while he's started paying child support again, he's still not paying the whole amount due and hasn't for over a year, and how I'm struggling to pay my bills and haven't even been able to pay my mortgage for this month, you know, the one that we're 25 days into and the mortgage was due on the 1st.

I didn't mention that charma's a bitch and I know exactly what he's going through, remember, because you and I had these kinds of arguments only I was in your place and you were in Her's place.

I didn't mention that maybe while you had checked out of dealing with reality for the past two years, Her checked out of the marriage. Maybe you were both to blame.

I'm trying to be supportive because like it or not, they're the boys family and I want the best for the boys.

But geez, my tongue hurts.

Unsucking

2010-10-23T22:09:00.002-05:00

I went on first date number 832,340,297. It didn't suck. We have tentative plans for a second date and I'm looking forward to it.

Weird.

Running Scared

2010-10-22T19:10:00.000-05:00

I decided this afternoon that I needed a haircut. Right now. As in, cannot possibly wait another second because I have a date (first date, don't get excited) tomorrow and I haven't had a haircut in forever and OMG. So I call my normal place and they don't have any openings and I call another place I've been to a couple of times and they have no openings and I call another place and they have an opening.

I got there a few minutes early and one of the stylists greets me and tells me that another stylist will be with me in a minute. No problem. I sit down and watch my future stylist finish up. And then I notice the woman's hair. The woman who just had her hair done.

And I gulp. Well, I'm sure that's how she wanted it. Some women feel the bangs plastered down to either side of their face is a good look. I don't know who but I'm sure someone has liked it. Right? My hair won't look like that. Right?

The stylist finishes up, swings the woman around and asks how she likes it.

And the look on the poor woman's face is priceless. She did not request this hairstyle. AT ALL. She actually opened and closed her mouth a couple of times, but wasn't able to get anything out.

At which point I realized I really had to be... somewhere else. Somewhere not here. My hair and I needed to be safely away from here. And I ran like a little girl.

Voted

2010-10-21T06:01:00.000-05:00

To the 8 billion people running for office and consequently running ads CONSTANTLY telling me how bad/awful/stupid the other people are and wonderful/smart/just-like-me the are? I will vote for you if you make it so that I never have to see another ad again. Seriously. Pass a law, make it so and I will vote for you forever. I don't care what office you're running for. Make it so that every commercial isn't a political one and I wil do my best to help elect you for Chief Widget Counter or whatever exaulted title you want. High Chief Widget Counter. Whatever.

Feast or Famine... or Whoring It Up

2010-10-19T06:20:00.000-05:00

So, the online guy market thing. It's expensive and usually the guys are still married ("currently separated") or old enough to be my father or icky. But then I get bored and lonely and never meet anyone in real life and so I renew my membership. Currently? I have four guys chatting with me. Four. I'm a whore. I went on a date last weekend, and have one date planned this coming weekend, with two different guys. First guy wasn't bad but - say it with me class - there was no spark. No chemistry. I did force myself to hug him goodnight instead of doing my Move, wherein I stick my hand out so they are forced to shake my hand and can't try to hug me. Or give me a goodnight kiss. Because there has not been anyone in a long time that I've thought, gee, I hope he kisses me. Not since Stupid. Ugh.

Toothless

2010-10-14T17:33:00.000-05:00

I lost a filling. I know this not only because my tooth felt funny the other day and I touched it with my tongue and all of the sudden I had Random Filling Floating Around In My Mouth (ick) but because at my dentist appointment today, my dentist took a look around my mouth and announced, "You lost a filling."

No shit. Really? I was afraid I was spontaneously combusting at a very slow rate, so imagine my relief.

While in the mirror it looks like a tiny little filling from a cavity I had filled as a kid, when I eat it feels like a GIANT GAPPING HOLE.

And then it got better. My dentist, at my dentist appointment, told me to make a dentist appointment. With my dentist. To fill it.

And then my head exploded from the circular argument.

But... aren't I at the dentist? At a dentist appointment? With my dentist? Does that mean its already been filled? Am I trapped in a loop in time? Is this Ground Hog Day?

Timing

2010-10-13T20:44:00.000-05:00

3:00 pm - 9:55 pm: I am so tired. Yawn. Tired. Dragging. Need nap. *snorrrrre*

9:58 pm: Bedtime! Yay! Sleep!

10:01 pm: PING! Worry. Stress. Worry. Worry. Worry. Stress. Freak out.

12:34 am: Still worry. Still stress. Still worry worry worry. Hey. Did I turn my heater off at work?

2:48 am: Worry. Worry. Panic that building is burning down. Panic that the sound I just heard is the furnace dying. Panic. Stress.

5:58 am: Panic. Yawn. Worry. Stress. Yawn. Worry.

6:00 am: Alarm goes off. I? Am now sleepy and can. not. open. my. eyes.

We Wrecked Him

2010-10-12T18:24:00.000-05:00

Boy 1 is quite popular with the ladies. Ugh. I think he handles it pretty well. Each girl has presented a lesson (no, it is not ok to date your most recent as in broke up yesterday girlfriend's best friend. Even if she asked you out) and for the most part he's made good choices. (I believe I told you dating your most recent exgirlfriend's best friend was a bad idea. I'm glad you agree with me now.)

On Sunday, he told me about the newest girl he likes. They've flirted and such that teenagers do, in a completely non-touching, non-kissing, non-eye contact kind of way because he's my babee and does not do that. Ahem.

On Monday, he told me they were done.

Why, you ask?

Because we, his father, his family and I, have completely wrecked him. Poor kid doesn't know that not everyone expresses their love and affection by fatal beatings* and poking.

Mom, she complimented me all the time. A lot. And she wasn't even being sarcastic.

*ahem. by fatal beatings I obviously mean love and kisses. And sarcasm. Lots and lots of sarcasm.

One step forward, 8 steps back

2010-10-07T17:21:00.000-05:00

I never learn. Boy 1 was doing so well. And I told him that. That he was doing so well, handling things so maturely. I believe I even told him, a couple of times, that I was so proud of much he had matured lately.

And Boy 1's tiny little brain went uh oh, better fix that!

And immediately began to misfire and short circuit and cause Boy 1 to become a two year old in a 16 year old's body. You know the bratty little toddler throwing a temper tantrum at the grocery store because his mother won't buy him that candy bar? Come to my house to see the enlarged version. Instead of losing his freaking mind over a candy bar, Boy 1 has lost his temper over bedtime, feeding the animals, homework, being asked to pick up his plate, being asked to please turn his music down, being asked to turn his music down, being asked to TURN YOUR MUSIC DOWN NOW, etc.

le sigh.

Sneaking in a report

2010-10-03T07:56:00.000-05:00

Have survived weekend. So far. Only several hours of drama/chaos/frustration yesterday, in which there was much drinking of wine and much whining and then cake. Whole family plus additional family and then friends and also friends of family descended on my teeny, tiny house, including teenage girls and the teenage boys already here and grandparents and parents and step parent and many dogs and holy crap, where did that wine go?

But now my baby is 16 and has eaten his birthday cake for breakfast as is good and right on your birthday and soon the chaos people will be awake and I'm out of wine...

Today

2010-10-01T06:07:00.000-05:00

So. Today. Wanna know what today holds?

Started my period = bitchy. Lots and lots o'bitchy. And bloated. And give me that damn chocolate because I swear to Fred, I will f'ing cut you.

End of really, really crazy busy week at work. I'm now working for two bosses and I don't know what they were thinking because we're not allowed overtime and I was plenty busy before and now I'm twice as busy with the same amount of time to get things finished and holy crap on a stick people. Did I mention the bitchy?

Picking up Him tonight and dealing with him for the weekend. And still no child support. None. Supposed they mailed another check, after the first check didn't arrive after two weeks, but it's been a week and apparently when the check is in the mail, the mail stops. Mad bitchiness.

My baby turns 16 this weekend. 16. I was 17 when I became pregnant with him. How is it possible that he's so old? 16 years and many, many months since life as I knew it as a teenager utterly and completely changed.

So crying and bitchy and broke and dealing with stupid Him and oh boy, this is going to be fun.

The bright side

2010-09-29T05:54:00.000-05:00

The only good thing that has come out of the whole freaking mess with Him is that Boy 1? Has matured a lot this summer. It sucks that he's matured because of going through such awful crap, but I'm proud of him for handling it that way. I was afraid he'd go in the other direction and totally go off the deep end.

He wants to sit Him down this weekend and talk to him. Tell him exactly what he feels about it all, how hurt and disappointed he is. Boy 1 has been looking back at things that happened and that Him said over the past 2 years and now wonders if that was Him or if that was the drugs. Him has always been the cool parent, but how much of that was him and how much was because he was loaded on pills.

The continued lack of child support is also a problem. I try not to tell the boys about it, but things are to the point where they notice. Less groceries, lots of phone calls from bill collectors, no money to do even little things. Boy 1 asked me about it and I was honest with him, that we haven't receive child support since July, with the exception of 2 weeks worth that was paid in August. Boy 1 asked me if Him thought they didn't need to eat? I was really torn. Do I make excuses for Him, that he's trying to get better; or do I agree? Because shockingly, the boys didn't stop needing food and school supplies and computer fees and clothing and housing and everything just because Him was taking time to "heal."

He really looked up to his dad before and now he doesn't, which kills me. A boy should look up to his dad (and his mom. feel free to think I'm great). Him doesn't quite get the problem and has complained to me that Boy 1 has been a little disrespectful to him lately. He just doesn't get that it's because Boy 1 doesn't respect him. Him jokingly threatened to ground Boy 1 and Boy 1 told him he'd lost that right.

On one hand, Him is still his dad but really? I kinda agree with Boy 1. When you've become the one that has to be watched over and taken care of because of your own choices, do you still have the right to tell others what to do?

Maturity. Or lack thereof.

2010-09-25T20:26:00.000-05:00

Since I have the maturity level and self control of a 2 year old, when I met up with my friend L at the mall, what was the first thing I did?

Yep. I purchased these:

Because they were on sale and they are beautiful and just because I'm going to lose my house does not mean I should go shoeless. Right? Right. They are gorgeous in real life, a purple tinged gray/brown color which when described like that makes it sound like it won't go with anything I own but they are wonderful and will be perfect. With something.

Things not to say: You suck.

2010-09-24T05:55:00.000-05:00

So, since everything exploded with Him, things have been very different. For one, no child support. Well, that's not true. There's been two weeks of child support paid. Since July. Supposedly two more weeks were mailed to the state to be paid, but the state hasn't received them. And it doesn't normally take 12 days for mail to go two states away. So financially, things are really, really bad. I've basically just let my credit cards go. I'm hoping to pay my mortgage before the end of the month. And oil. Maybe the electric bill if I'm lucky.

Boy 1's 16th birthday is coming right up and fortunately, he's been really understanding. I explained I just wouldn't be able to do much for his birthday and I was sorry. Her asked what I was getting him and I said just a little bit of money, I just couldn't do much. She agreed, things are tough for them too. They're thinking of getting him an iPod. Because their definition of 'tough' and my definition of 'tough' are very many dollar signs apart. *sigh* At least he'll be getting something good for his birthday.

To make it more fun, they're coming up for his birthday weekend and spending the night. This will be the first time we spend any amount of time together since the explosion. Since just the few minutes we spend trading cars with the boys when they go down to visit have been awkward and tense, I just can't wait for an entire weekend.

Things to not say in my outloud voice next weekend:
1. Are you ever going to help support your children again?
2. Are you ever going to get a job again, you lazy ass?
3. You are pathetic. Pay your child support.
4. Hate! Hate! Anger!
5. You suck.

Boy 1 has decided he wants to sit Him down and Talk when he's up. The two of us had a really good talk last night, about everything that's gone on and how he feels about it. He wants Him to know exactly how he feels and I think it's healthy for him to talk about it. He makes me laugh; he keeps telling me how he's the teenager, he's supposed to do stupid stuff, not his dad. I agree. But then tell him since we've already established that, can skip actually doing the stupid stuff? He declined. Apparently the stupid stuff is the fun part.

Bobs

2010-09-22T18:28:00.000-05:00

So, new coworker. She is getting along fabulously! with K, the coworker Who Knows Everything. Because as luck would have it? New coworker? Knows Everything So Long As It Is Something You Are Talking About. Hmm. That doesn't flow well, does it?
Whereas K knows everything about everything, such as the weather in 3 years, 84 days and 11 minutes in Kansas City on Main Street at precisely 3:12 p.m., S knows the exact restaurant you went to last night, right after you answer the question where did you go to dinner last night. You will answer that you went to Bobs Burger Bo-Nan-Za last night. And S will concur. Yeah, it was Bobs Burger Bo-Nan-Za. That's where you went to dinner last night. Bobs. She's been to Bobs. Her friends go to Bobs. She loves Bobs. She's going there tonight. Bobs.

And then K piped up with how she makes burgers this way and Bobs makes burgers that way and they're just not quite as good... as hers. And S agreed. They're not. Nope. Not as good. At. All. Bobs.

Conversation moved on. Someone said that the apple she was eating was very good. K let us know that the apples she picked last weekend were better, sweeter, fresher and in every way superior to the apple they were eating. S agreed that apples are good. She loves apples. She's eaten apples. She.Loves.Apples. Her friends eat apples. She's going to eat an apple tonight. Apples. She ate an apple yesterday. Bobs.

There was a slight awkward pause after K finished telling about her supreme apples and S professed her undying love for apples. We moved on tentatively.

Someone commented on my cute shoes (BIG SMILE LOVE SHOES!). K saw cute shoes the other day, on sale, probably for a lot less than however much I paid. S Loves Shoes. She has shoes. Her friends have shoes. She, in fact, is wearing shoes! She wears shoes every day! Also, her friends wear shoes. Bobs.

It's like being surrounded by egomanics on an acid trip. At least it's entertaining...

Penny pincher

2010-09-18T09:00:00.000-05:00

Look, little old lady. I cannot make the cashier ring up my items any faster than she is. But I promise you, if you "accidentally" nudge me with your cart for a third time, I will pay my bill with pennies.

Achy breaky head

2010-09-16T06:27:00.002-05:00

Have stupid head exploding throat swallowed razors eyes popping out of head sinus thing. In a word, hurts. On the bright side, I believe everyone of 40 something people in my office have stopped me to say, "Oh my, you look AWFUL! Not feeling well?"

To which I reply by glaring at them with bleary eyes. I'm very threatening.

Right now

2010-09-10T05:40:00.000-05:00

The boys are trying to break the world's record for how many fights they can start in one morning. Their current record is 836. The latest fight? Boy 1 needs to take a shower, Boy 2 wants to brush his teeth right now. Neither boy can possibly wait, nor can they possibly share the bathroom. Boy 1 was told to take his shower, Boy 2 was told to brush his teeth in the kitchen sink, to which he whined that the water there tastes funny. Shoot me.

Also? It's officially winter here. Currently have on a long sleeve t-shirt, sweater and cords. Partially because I still have the windows open because everyone knows it can't snow if you have your windows open. It's going to be a cold winter inside here people but I'm willing to do that if it means I don't have to snowblow my stinkin' driveway.

Lastly, it's been a really long week at work. Lots of deadlines and projects and working late. My boss worked all weekend and has been working late. Luckily he thrives on being busy, so he's in a good mood. It makes me laugh though because when he works a lot he tends to swear a lot. Like on dictations and in general directions; lotsa swearing. As in he'll say in a perfectly nice, friendly tone of voice, "Can you take this fucking document and gather the goddamned exhibits for me? Thank you!" I'm really tempted to answer him, "No fucking problem!" but sometimes he doesn't get my humor and swearing at the boss is not really the time to test that.

Possibilties

2010-09-08T16:53:00.001-05:00

How is it possible that I have three raincoats, two wool peacoats, three longer length wool coats and a ski jacket, and not ONE jacket with a hood for the torential downpour outside this morning?

(shut up, I live in Maine where you have to wear a jacket at least 487 days a year, I need those.) (and since I don't have even one with a hood, obviously I need at least one more)

Labor Day

2010-09-07T05:29:00.000-05:00

And how was your holiday weekend? We had two cookouts and then I spent yesterday working in the yard. Love that. Gorgeous weather and then when I was done, I sat in my swing and surveyed my kingdom. You know, my 1/4 acre kingdom. No room for a moat, unfortunately.

Since I gained 6 pounds in 2 weeks, my doctor switched my medicine. Phew. I didn't like that at all. Not just the gaining weight, but the feeling that I needed to eat, constantly. Ugh. So the good news is, I'm eating like a normal person again. The bad news is I'm not sleeping again. For some reason, 4:00 a.m. is when my brain pings! on, like a little kid who's waited all day to tell you something, my brain sounds like Urkel on speed. It's great.

What are you going to do about this? Huh? Huh? How are you going to pay the mortgage, the car payment, the oil payment is overdue, when did you pay your cell phone bill, you need to get groceries, do you have a 1/4 of a tank of gas or less, when do you think you'll get child support again, how long until you're homeless? Huh? Huh? Huh?

It's great. So I've been getting up at 4:00 a.m. and exercising. Because I may not be able to control much financially right now, but I can control that. So far I've lost about 4 ounces. I'm pretty proud. Of course, then I drank a cup of coffee and put it straight back on.

Perfect Storm

2010-09-04T06:47:00.000-05:00

I had the perfect storm of weight gain lately. The medicine which made me need to eat constantly, the heat which made it both too hot to exercise and necessary to eat every frozen treat I could lay my hands on, and pms. I feel gross and my clothing - my fat clothing - doesn't fit. Yuck.

So, you guys are going to hold me accountable because Frank knows, I have little to none in the area of will power and forcing myself to get up earlier than I already do so I can exercise is hard. (insert whiny voice here) And I like to snack. And I'm lazy. Hence the weight. So, starting today: healthier eating and exercising more. My goals are to lose 10 lbs by November 15. That's reasonable, about 4 pounds a month. (ha! says the fatass who is currently daydreaming of ice cream for breakfast!)

Any hints? Ideas? Especially ideas for healthy, low-calorie snacks that don't crunch so loud the entire office knows I'm snarfing down a bag of carrots again?

Nice Mommy

2010-08-31T18:07:00.000-05:00

I don't do well with heat. Hence the living in the NORTHEAST where it's not supposed to be so freaking hot.

Ahem.

Add to the lovely 90,000 degree temperatures we've been having a nice round of PMS AND the medicine making me incredibly, constantly, want to eat. Not hungry, just needing to eat. Even though I'm already stuffed to uncomfortable, still eating. And hot. And PMSing.

Thoughts going through my head today have included the following:

Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!

If I only kill her a little, does it still count?

I'm willing to find out.

Shut up! Shut it! Shut it up right now!

I'm pretty nice to be around right now. The boys are alternating between hiding and just plain throwing ice cream and popsicles at me. Which I don't mind at all... Just keep throwin' boys. When Mommy growls, she's saying she loves you.

Booted

2010-08-30T05:44:00.000-05:00

I'm ready for fall. As in Fall, get here right now! Because, while shopping for back to school clothing (while the boys are at their dad's house because it's much easier to shop while the boys are not there to give unhelpful opinions, such as, I don't like that, I only like the same exact jeans that cost three times as much), I may have wandered into the shoe department.

I totally heart the shoe department.

And I got these.

So I am ready for fall. As luck would have it, it's currently beautiful outside, and expected to be beautitful and hot and in the 90s for the next week or twelve. Sunny, warm and completely not boot weather. People this is Maine! We're not supposed to have weeks on end of beautiful weather! Work with me here, Seasons.

Eyeful

2010-08-28T07:24:00.000-05:00

So on Friday, I wore my cute little summer dress to work.

With a cute little sweater to make it work appropriate, silly.

But I didn't realize until I got home (because I'm stuuupid) that my boss? When handing me things all day long?

Sees this

Oops.

Anxious

2010-08-25T20:43:00.000-05:00

So I'm on a new medication and while it's working, the side effects? Eh. My doctor warned me. She said some people gain weight while on the medication. Then she said, actually, some people take it and then come back in and tell me their ass immediately expanded, so there's that. And I was so stunned that my doctor, who should be a genius paragon of virtue and knowledge, said ass, that I missed the rest of the sentance.

My ass did not. My ass said oh really? lets start expanding now. hey you, stomach, thighs and that fat roll under the boobs and over the belly? join me! it's fun! and that's how my body has taken on a life of its own and will soon need it's own body because mine will not fit it all.

I've literally gained 5 pounds in the past week. It's not so much that I feel hungry, it's that I have this URGE to eat. And so I have. Constantly. Even while working, I'm non-stop putting-food-in-mouth. nom.nom.nom. FEED ME SEYMOUR!

The fun part is that the medication is for the overwhelming anxiety I've had lately. Between Him's problems and money problems and Boy 1's behavior problems and my father being himself and my father having aggresive prostate cancer and things at work and life in general, I'm feeling a wee bit anxious. But the medicine is working because while my ass is rapidly becoming the size of small Volvo? I'm not really worried about it.

Darn it all to heck!

2010-08-23T18:10:00.000-05:00

We have a new guy at work. He's... interesting. I can't put my finger on what, exactly, my opinion of him is yet.

While on break today, a few of us were talking about our weekends, when New Guy suddenly yells out JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

Umm... hello?

He'd seen an article in a magazine that he disagreed with. So his reaction was to loudly yell out obsenities. In the office lunchroom.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have probably used profanity once or twenty million times in my life, but I generally don't scream them out and I rarely swear at work. Since we work in an office and not on a construction site, swearing is generally frowned upon.

But my friend S and I think he may be onto something. So we've taken to randomly yelling at each other, but over email because we prefer the not being fired option.

Some examples:

S, I need to send out the settlement demand for John Doe. Do you have the file? DARN IT ALL TO HECK! - Woman

Woman, I put the file in Tom Thumb's office, I believe he still has it. CRICKEY! - S

S. Not there. DAMNIT! I'll look around Billy Bob's office in case he was looking at it. JIMINY CRICKETT.

Because we are both two years old. I decided I couldn't type the bad swear words on purpose. If I was upset, no problem. But just for gratituous use? Couldn't do it.

DAMNIT.

What think you?

2010-08-22T08:05:00.000-05:00

Ok, this shows how shallow I am. Ugh.

So. I went on a date last night with G. G and I met online and have emailed for a little while. We met for drinks and ended up staying and chatting for two hours. He was nice. A bit older than I'd prefer (8 years older than me) but not bad.

On the "Do I want him to kiss me" scale of date rating, he was still on the "no" end. But honestly, there's only been a couple that have been on the "yes" end and only one that was at the "hell yeah, if he doesn't, I will" end and if you don't count guys from high school? There was only one.

So there's that. He was nice but no huge attraction. We shook hands goodnight.

And also? He's short. As in me at 5'2 3/4" in heels was taller than him.

And I'm shallow enough that I don't really like that...

We're going on a second date later this week, but what do you think? I know attraction/sex aren't everything, obviously, but it's still important.

Vacation

2010-08-19T13:54:00.000-05:00

This is me on vacation.

This is where I've spent most of my vacation, when I wasn't working on projects around the house.

What I've heard most of the week while on vacation? Mom, get a video of me doing this!

Very helpful

2010-08-14T18:45:00.000-05:00

My father decided last Thursday, completely out of the blue, to help around the house.

He did not decide to help by putting away the clean dishes or washing a load of towels. He did not decide to help by sweeping or vaccuming. He did not decide to help by weed whacking the edges of the yard or by picking up the twigs that have fallen that need to be picked up before we can mow the lawn.

He decided to help out by weeding the front planter.

...

Ok. I appreciate the help. I do. I thanked him and he went on and on about how bad the planter was, how many weeds there were, etc. I thought at the time that there were not that many weeds, but figured I was being oversensitive and should just be grateful for the help for Frank's sake.

This morning, I went to the trash can. The big outdoor holds-all-our-trash-for-the-week trash can.

It was 3/4 full of weeds. Three-quarters full.

...

The top plant was very much not a weed but it's one of the kinds of plants that can kinda look like a weed. I told myself not to panic as I walked to the front planter.

The very, very bare front planter. He got rid of all the plants that didn't have flowers on them, meaning the tulips and daffodils and crocuses that still had greenery but no flowers? Gone. The lemon verbana and various other plants that didn't have flowers? Gone. And for some reason, the pansies and black eyed susans struck him as weeds also, even though they had lots of flowers.

In between the few plants that are flowering are large patches of dirt. It had been nice and full and complete chaos of plants and colors and ...gone.

sigh.

Punk'd

2010-08-11T06:10:00.000-05:00

So, in a moment of financial desperation and panic last night, I decide I'm going to sell my house. I can't afford my bills, my mortgage is a huge bill, I'll just sell it. See? Problem solved.

Much crying ensued because this isn't a house, this is my home. My first home. The home I was so proud to buy, on my own, and give the boys a home and be able to have a dog, finally, and ohmigod, I'm dying.

I went onto the real estate site where I found my own beloved home and checked out the competition.

Holy shit.

People? Did ya'll know the market STILL sucks? Yep. It does. Largely. When I bought 5 years ago, my house was at the bottom of the pricing scale. The overwhelming majority were at least $50,000-75,000 more. At least.

When I looked last night? The median price was $40,000 LESS than what I paid. There were only three houses even around what I paid, which I had considered a decent price at the time, and those were all completely renovated, everything brand spanking new. For about $100,000 LESS than what I paid (yes all those zeros are right), you can buy a house about the same condition as mine. Which is decidedly not brand spanking new.

Fuck on a stick people.

And then I laughed because obviously, Ashton Kucher has taken over the entire internet has punked us all. That's what I'm going with.

Panic! Ack!

2010-08-10T21:10:00.000-05:00

So, I'm flirting with this guy via text messages and I have nothing to say I'm totally not witty and funny tonight and I have an urge to write something like pleaselikeme but have refrained. So far. Running out of other things to write though.

I realize we didn't have texting when I was a teenager and dating and holy crap I'm old. When they spoke of text it was in relation to a book or typewriter font or what was chiseled into the stone tablets we borrowed from Moses because we forgot to take notes in class. Now we have texting and sexting and so help me Peter my naked anything is not ever never going over the ...text waves. I think the Internet would die. Like a Victorian lady, it would swoon at the horror. And I know that about Victorian ladies because I was there and saw it all. The swooning was epic.

Please for the love of Peter do NOT let me type that to him. That the Internet would swoon from the horror of my naked anything. Do NOT type the word naked. What is wrong with you?

I am old like dinosaur. Like a really old non-sexting dinosaur. Why did I want to date? This sucks. Can't we skip the meeting/getting to know you stage and get straight to the I'm slightly annoyed with you and I no longer have to hide the fact that women occassionally poop stage. That stage is so much easier. Especially since I eat a lot of fiber...

Confessions

2010-08-09T18:02:00.000-05:00

I sometimes leave for work earlier than I need to because I am already fed up with the boys bickering.

I sometimes imagine leaving for work hours earlier than I need to because I am fed up with the boys bickering and they haven't even woken up yet.

I sometimes realize that certain things I do? Are exactly like my mother. And then I freak the F out.

Tired with a side of exhausted.

2010-08-09T05:48:00.002-05:00

Tired with a side of exhausted. Not sure why, we finally had a nice, easy weekend. We did some household chores, I went grocery shopping approximately 8,532 times because Boy 1's friend D came over and between the three of them? They eat much food. Often. For a snack while I'm making dinner which they devour like they are starving.

It's frightening.

The three of them went fishing with Him's father, and Him's mother was astounded that even though she sent what she considered to be way too much food, it was all gone by the time they got back. Ha. Welcome to the food shortage that is teenage boys.

Best part of the weekend had to be going to a cookout held by Him's family. Him wasn't there, not sure if he was invited but he does live two states away so probably not. But even so, that they would invite the boys and I, regardless of whether Him was there or not? Rocks.

I love our Frankenfamily.

Healthiness

2010-08-05T18:37:00.002-05:00

I went to work this morning. I was there about an hour and decided I just couldn't do it. I'd been sniffing all morning and while I was mentally blaming my watering eyes on allergies, I don't think my excuse held up.

So I went home mentally unstable. Although I just told my male boss I didn't feel well while gesturing vaguely at my abdomen.

It didn't help that I did not sleep last night. At all. As in awake all freaking night because I could not shut my head off. The worries and stress and everything just kept racing around, yelling at me and surprisingly, that doesn't lead to a good night's rest.

And then I got up this morning and Boy 1 was in a horrendous mood. Awful. The swearing, yelling, saying hurtful things, throwing things kind of mood. Suckage.

And then Boy 2 gave me a little bit of attitude and I totally lost it. Even though the overwhelming majority of it was not his fault, he'd just sassed and completely did not deserve me coming down on him.

Because I'm a good mom like that. Yelling and overreacting are my specialties.

And then went to work and was completely useless. So I came home and had a good cry. And ate my weight in potato chips. And cried a little more because I can damn it.

This evening I talked to Boy 1 about his behavior. I apologized to Boy 2. I tackled a few of my problems, at least stopping to get a handle on them. No solutions and no magical money tree but at least it doesn't all seem completely overwhelming.

So I feel much healthier now. Ish.

Changing thoughts

2010-08-04T17:55:00.002-05:00

I often catch myself thinking, well, this sucks. can't get much worse than this. And you would think I would learn - eventually - because it never fails that I think this and then BOOM the sky falls some more and I'm running around yelling CRISIS! CRISIS! PANIC WILL ROGERS! (which was before my time and I don't really know what it refers to but that doesn't make a difference in my yelling.)

And I figure out how to deal with the newest thing and I think well, thank heavens, this is rock bottom.

And then comes another BOOM.

I'm not sure if this is life, running from one crisis to the next, or if I'm just having an exceptionally long freaking run of bad luck, or if I just need to change my thinking? Perhaps something along the lines of ha! this is nothing! bring it bitch!?

Plans

2010-08-04T05:59:00.002-05:00

I am so looking forward to this weekend. After helping Her move for the past three weekends, I have a lot to do at home. Such as:

1. Sit on ass.
2. Read poor neglected books.
3. While sitting on ass.
4. Take a machette to the jungle that used to be my yard.
5. While sitting on ass.
6. Sit and enjoy the sunshine with a book (or twelve) in my yard.

Sounds perfect, no?

Good Reminders

2010-08-02T20:45:00.002-05:00

I don't remember how old I was when my mother stopped tucking me into bed. I remember her doing it when I was little and I remember her not doing it when I was a teenager but in between? Don't remember.

When Boy 1 is being, ahem, difficult, I try to remind myself of the many things I love about him. One of my favorites? That he still, at almost 16, wants to be tucked in.

Even when we've had incredibly bad nights, spent the whole evening fighting and he's yelled truly horrible things and called me names and gets sent to his room and he stomps and kicks and screams the whole way, grumbling about how much he hates me, etc. He'll storm around his room, throwing things and just behaving like the world's snottiest incredible hulk. Finally he'll get into his bed.

A few minutes later an angry voice will yell down the hallway, "WELL AREN'T YOU GOING TO TUCK ME IN?"

Which always makes me laugh. Quietly. To myself. The irony that this kid who just spent the past three hours telling me how much he hates me is now angry at me because I'm not tucking him into bed and kissing his forehead and wishing him sweet dreams cracks me up every time. And while I have to remind myself not to stomp into his room and beat him with his own pillow, it's a good reminder that under this horrible incredible hulk exterior, I love him very much.

Positively positive

2010-07-27T20:42:00.003-05:00

I allowed myself my 24 hours (or so) to vent and stomp and bitch and fume, and now my time is up. My mood must improve and to help that, I am going to look at the positive.

Huh.

Got to be something positive around here to look at...

Well, let's see. I talked to Him tonight. He's going to therapy and you can tell because everything that's happened? Is because of his mother. And his father wasn't loving enough. And fucking cry me a river. Er, I mean, isn't therapy great?

There was a good part and because I'm an evil person, it brings a smile to my face just thinking about it. Him was telling me that he knew people were angry with him, and that Her and I and his family were probably very angry with him, and that dealing with that would be part of his recovery. And I told him that was great because he was absolutely right. We all want him to get better. And once he was better, we were going to beat him like a pinata. You know, to help him recover.

See? Grinning. Can't help it.

He told me that wasn't very funny. I explained I wasn't joking. We changed the subject.

In other good news? The new girl at work who sits right next to me? Has absolutely NO volume control. Which is fabulous in an open office. Who doesn't want to hear every word that another person says, all day long? To the point where when my boss called in this afternoon, I completely misunderstood what he said because I couldn't hear him very well and did the EXACT THING HE SAID NOT TO DO. Literally. He said please do not do this because we are going to this. And guess which this I did? Promptly too because I am just such a good worker.

Grinning in a slight manic way now, but that's ok. Because I'm being positive. Right? Right!

Also? Stress and sleep and I are in a complicated love/hate relationship. Stress seems to have won my heart right now because I can't sleep. Can't get to sleep, can't stay asleep and when I do sleep? I have awful dreams that are basically just this huge line of stressful things that are coming to get me. And exboyfriends telling me I just don't have room in my life for them and I wake up with an intense urge to throw out lots of things in my life and then I realize I'm losing my mind.

Which is fun.

Hitting it

2010-07-26T17:05:00.003-05:00

I hit a wall today. Not literally, thank God, because swear to fricking Pete, I would completely loose my shit if I had one more thing to deal with. Ahem. No, as in, I'm done. I. Am. Done. I am out of patience and out of maturity and out of money, which leads to being out of whatever it is that makes you able to deal with all things financial. Also? Pain in the ass coworkers? Completely out of being able to deal with them. Seriously. Ya'll had better back off and so help me Frank, do not push me. I will yell and use foul words and I WILL TAKE THE GOOD HOLEPUNCH AND YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN!

By tomorrow I will be better. Because I cannot go around being a complete and utter bitch for very long. I've heard it's frowned upon. I warned the boys that I am Having A Day, which is code for don't argue with Mommy and you can have popsicles for dinner. Argue with Mommy and you'll go to bed at 3 in the afternoon.

Grrr.

Working towards sainthood

2010-07-24T06:38:00.002-05:00

People, I think I am rapidly working towards burning off any bad karma I may have. How, you ask?

I am going to help my ex-husbands wife move.

For the second weekend in a row.

And possibly the second weekend of three.

I am driving two hours with three teenagers and a 12 year old in my car.

And I promise not to kill any of them.

Much.

There will be one more person spending the night at Her's house than we have bedding options for.

Which means I? Will be sharing a bed with Her. My exhusband's wife.

I'm sleeping with my exhusbands wife.

Huh.

Home soon

2010-07-22T21:30:00.002-05:00

So in the midst of this huge mess, Boy 2 has been away at camp. For two weeks. This is his third year and he is hiding his homesickness well. Really well. Amazingly well. Because I'm sure he misses me terribly. But that little trooper struggles on, making me think he's enjoying himself and other such nonsense.

In the two weeks he's been gone, I've written to him a couple several lotsa times. He's written to me? Once. And told me to tell Dog that he loves him. And that he's very busy playing baseball and doing the challenge course and there's a carnival and he wishes he could stay all summer and he hides his homesickness well, no? Poor thing.

But tomorrow he's mine all mine! Er, I mean, he comes home. And may be forced to cuddle for the remainder of the day. Or at least 10 minutes.

Third Option

2010-07-20T05:39:00.003-05:00

So I tried the exercise routine, but it's freaking hot right now. And I'm too cheap/poor for air conditioning. Fans just do not cool down my house enough to make me want to actually move, not to mention move enough to get hot and sweaty when I'm already hot and sweaty.

And I'm failing on the eat less/eat better/eat more vegetables. Rather, I seem to have gotten stuck on just "eat more". Those popsicles are not going to eat themselves you know.

So I'm hoping there's a third option for weight loss? Perhaps really strenuous wishful thinking? Because I have mad wishful thinking skills.

You should see my retirement plan.

The result

2010-07-18T18:23:00.005-05:00

Well, let me start out by saying, all this lately? Sucks. Big suckage.

Her and I took Boy 1 to see Him. In the hospital mental ward. Which was fun. And Him was very honest with Boy 1. I cannot image how difficult that must have been. He admitted that he's been abusing pain medications for the past almost two years. And Boy 1 was absolutely stunned. Him told him that he's lied and stolen from Her, that he's lied to everyone. That he tried getting help about a year and a half ago when he got caught the first time but didn't follow through with it and has been using almost ever since.

I had been worried that he would try to minimize it, say something like it was only once or twice and not a big deal. And then I would have had to kill him. But he was bluntly honest, so I give him credit.

Boy 1 didn't have any questions for Him at the time, so we left after a little while. After 2o minutes or so, he did have questions. Which Her and I answered honestly. Jesus. Want to try something excruciatingly painful? Tell your child things and watch each one hurt him more. I could have killed Him with a spoon for doing this to the boys. He asked if daddy had ever lied to them. And we had to tell him yes.

The rest of the night, we let Boy 1 set the pace. If he talked about it, we'd talk about it with him. If he changed the subject, we let it drop. He told us he wanted to ask Him the questions he had asked us. I think he was hoping Him would have different answers, better answers. We said that was fine, we'd go back on Sunday and they could talk. We let Him know we'd be back, that Boy 1 had questions.

This morning? Boy 1 decided he doesn't want to talk to Him. Not that he doesn't have questions, he just doesn't want to talk to him. He said he's angry and disgusted with him. He'd had a chance to think more, to process. He'd remembered that in the past two years, Him had talked to Boy 1 about drugs, about lying when he'd get in trouble. And that Him was lying at the time. He remembered a lot of things that he'd question Her and I about and is hurt and angry.

Him was quite upset when Her told him that Boy 1 didn't want to talk to him. Started saying that I had forced him to tell Boy 1, that I was trying to ruin their relationship, make him look bad, etc. I told Her to please tell Him that I have never and will never try to ruin the boys' relationship with their dad, not because I give a flying fuck about Him's feelings, but because my children deserve the best father they can have. I will do whatever I can to give that to them. I will give and do whatever I can to help Him be the best dad he can be because my boys deserve that.

We discussed with Boy 1 that this is a long process, there is no "cure" or anything. It will be a life-long process and choice and fight for Him to not do this again. Boy 1 thought about that and told us this morning that if Him abuses drugs again, he doesn't ever want to see him again. He said he would hate to go through life without a dad, so he hopes Him is able to do this.

I don't know if I've conveyed how much the boys love their dad in the past. They are great friends, their dad is cool and fun and a bit of a hero in their eyes. For Boy 1 to say that he doesn't want to talk to Him, and would never see him again?

We've decided that since Boy 2 hasn't had any questions and seems quite content with what he does know, that we'll leave it at that for now. If he does have questions over time, we'll deal with that then. Boy 1 said that if Him does this again, he's going to tell Boy 2 everything and not let him see Him again either.

I'm so sorry my babies have to go through this. And so angry Him would put us all through this. It's been a long weekend.

Weekender

2010-07-17T06:16:00.003-05:00

Heading to Her's today to help pack things up. Next weekend we'll head down and do the actual move. (they were already planning to move before All Hell Broke Lose.)

Her still keeps finding more stuff. It's just unreal. Like a really cheesy movie. By this point in the movie, everyone in the audience is going oh, really, I'm supposed to believe that? No way. Way to keep it realistic! Also? I'd like my money back, this movie sucks.

Latest large scale bad news are the pills. About a year and a half ago, Him was sick and was prescribed pain killers. And when the prescription ended, his "friends" offered him some more. And there was a small scale major implosion when this came out, because he had spent all kinds of money they didn't really have on these pills he was taking illegally. He was very sorry, felt awful, will never do it again, blah, blah, blah.

And now? Turns out he only stopped taking them for a few months last time. Apparently he didn't feel too awful about it, only about two months worth of awful. So he's been taking these pain killers illegally. For the past year or so. He insists! that he only takes them every once in a while, not a big deal, all that crap. And to Him it's not a big deal because they're not real drugs and he doesn't do it much. Which is a load of shit. It was illegal, he was lying, and taking drugs is taking drugs. If you can be ARRESTED for what you are doing, I'm thinking it's a big deal.

So he's going from two weeks in the hospital to two weeks in a residential treatment program to a month in a day treatment program. Won't go back to work until this fall, if then. He's apparently said he's not sure if he can handle working. He's got a good life, no?

Now, Boy 2 knows the basics and he hasn't really had any questions. I think he knows plenty. Boy 1 knows more about the lying and money and such and he has had questions and has said he wants to be told things. He doesn't know about the pills, didn't know about them last time.

I've been debating with myself about it, and I think I've decided Him should tell Boy 1.

1. This is the second time we're dealing with Him's drug use; it's likely to happen again. Boy 1 would be very angry to learn that this has been going on for years and we didn't tell him.

2. Since it's likely we could deal with it again, and it's likely at some point Him will be alone with the boys, I want them aware so they can keep their eyes open. Which sucks, seriously. But if Him is using again and could potentially get them into a dangerous situation, I want them to at least be aware and not blindly trusting Him.

3. Abusing drugs is abusing drugs. It's not unusual for abuse of one drug to turn into abuse of more serious drugs. He's already using pills that people frequently rob pharmacies to get; it's a slippery slope to more serious and dangerous drugs.

4. Abusing drugs is bad for several reasons, but what if Him is hurt because of it? An overdose or bad mix or whatever happens, I don't want the boys, or at least Boy 1, to have to deal with some trama out of the blue.

5. Boy 1 is a teenager. Him has a chance to teach him a good lesson on why you don't do drugs. See, I did drugs and now I have to live in a hospital for weeks on end, not supporting my family, and admitting that I lie about everything and now I have to tell my son that I'm an addict. Drugs suck. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure Him will tell him that he did it, it's bad but not a big deal, he didn't do very much; just to make himself sound better. Because that's the message you should give, "drugs are no big deal."

I hate that Boy 1 will learn yet more bad things about his dad. It makes me so sad that the boys have to go through this (and everyone else, but they are my concern). So, what do you think? Tell him or help cover Him's lies?

True Blood, again

2010-07-14T18:00:00.002-05:00

I think I've figured out part of the problem. And this is going to sound awful.

I talk fast. Most people I know talk fast. Whether it's a New England thing or a being busy thing or perhaps it's all that speed I've been taking... Ahem.

On the show? They. Talk. S l o w l y.

And I find myself yelling in my head: "SPIT IT OUT!" Surprisingly, that doesn't work. Huh.

And? Sookie moves her head a lot. I think she's trying to look innocent and shocked and "Oh!My!Goodness!" but she just moves her head around all the time. I want to get her a neck brace.

But I think I'll keep going. Perhaps I can figure out how to speed up the show so they talk at a 'normal' rate? Of course, Sookie's head might bounce right off her shoulders...

True Blood

2010-07-13T18:11:00.000-05:00

Have any of you watched True Blood? I've read some of the books, but it was a while ago. And I've watched the first three episodes of season 1. And, um? I'm not sure.

I've heard lots of good things about it, and I remember that while I liked the books, they weren't good enough to become a must read and I haven't obsessively followed series as I have others. Hmm.

And the three episodes? Well. A bit stilted, much like this post. Sookie is very, very bouncy and naive and holy cow she bounces when she freakin walks. That may be a bit much. And she's all wide eyed and unsure around Bill, the vampire, and then next thing you know she grabs him around the neck and is kissing him. Which brings out his fangs and weird reactions alll around.

So it's a bit strange but not strange because it's a borderline porno about vampires. Strange because of the actors.

Any thoughts? Does it get better? Should I stop now and go onto my next pick? (Hung. do you sense a theme here people? huh. wonder what that means?)

Camper

2010-07-12T19:34:00.003-05:00

Boy 2 is at camp. He was very excited to get there to see his friends again. In fact, I was allowed to help him carry his stuff to his cabin but after that? I was allowed to leave. Now. And stop hugging me woman.

I kept trying to get some pictures. Which is difficult with an unwilling, moving target. I got ones that I'm happy with, ones that are actually great "pictures" of Boy 2, even though they aren't good pictures. Know what I mean?

Dramatized

2010-07-11T06:36:00.003-05:00

It's all drama, all the time here folks.

The fight last weekend, exposing Him's lies regarding back child support? Turns out that started an avalanche. I'm not even sure where to start. Her got notice that their car insurance was being cancelled because Him's license was invalid. Seems he didn't pay fines from several speeding tickets which he said he had paid. He was arrested last year for driving with a suspended license because of unpaid tickets. He said he took care of them after that. Because that's what a reasonable person would do, you know, after having the wake up call of being arrested. (actually, a reasonable person would have taken care of them immediately, but, you know.) But he didn't. So their insurance is done as of August. Since Her uses her car for work, this is really, really bad. Her also found bills, severely past due, that Him has been hiding. Bills she didn't even know existed. Her also found out that the state has been sending Him notices to do something about the back child support or else. Since he ignored those, this means his license is suspended, twice. So for Her to get insurance, she has to pay all the fines and reinstatement fees and the back child support. We're talking large amounts of money that they simply don't have.

I'll skip the many other examples, but to sum up: Him lies. Constantly, to everyone about pretty much everything. And they are being exposed right now.

Now, a quick minute for the psychology behind this: Him lies because he doesn't want anyone upset with him or to get in trouble. So as soon as all of this comes out, he decides he just can't handle it all and is the hospital right now. To get help. Is it terribly cynical of me to see that he immediately skips over the "I'm an asshole and in trouble part" and goes directly to "I'm a very sick person and need help, pity me" portion of the program? Meaning he doesn't have to deal with taking care of this mess at all? Everyone else does, especially Her. But not Him. Because he's very upset.

I've done well not telling him to put on his f'ing big boy panties and deal with the messes he's made, but that's probably because I haven't talked to him much. Because my patience with him is just about done.

The boys know some of what's gone on. Boy 2 doesn't really get the whole big deal, but Boy 1 does. And is angry and upset with Him. He says he's lost respect for Him, which kills me and makes me angry at Him all over again. The boys deserve a better dad than this and I know Him can be that. But he chooses not to.

How does someone make a choice like that?

Groundhog Day. Again.

2010-07-09T16:47:00.003-05:00

The ground hog? That was inside my house? Came back. Inside my house.

This time he chose to explore my father's bedroom. Which was fun. He particularly liked under the bed, far corner, up against two walls.

I again used the (clean) pooper scooper rake and Boy 2 poked him with a long ruler. Surprisingly, he still didn't like this. So he charged me.

As I'm laying half under the bed. CHARGE!

Much shrieking like a girl and some swearing ensued.

After several attempts at capture on our parts and attempts at climbing the walls on Woodie's attempt, we caught it with the Laundry Basket of Wild Animals. And walked it out the door.

And promptly built a nice sturdy wooden covering for the hole where they're getting into the basement. And also discovered another hole that wasn't there last week. Crap.

The future is now

2010-07-07T17:53:00.002-05:00

Oh hey! Boy 2 goes to camp this Sunday. For two weeks. And has a helpful list of all the things he'll need when he's away at camp. For two weeks.

excuse me while I go cry in the corner for a bit.

Ahem. We have known Boy 2 was going to camp, for two weeks, for several months now. But all of the sudden, the far off future time is RIGHT NOW and you know the percentage of doneness I am in preparing his stuff for camp? 1%. Only because I strongly believe the sleeping bag is in the hall closet. I think. Maybe .05%.

two weeks people. in which he grows and learns and isnotwithme...

Ahem. While my mind is racing with all the things I need to assemble and his clothing needs to be gathered and we need to wrangle some of the 12,999,003,004 socks wandering partnerless around the house ...it's hot. And there is no energy left over after I sweat to death and eat all the popsicles in the house. It might be said that I'm stalling. To which I say? Pshaw. Just because I'm clinging to a sweaty Boy 2 who might be trying to claw his way out of my loving embrance does not mean I'm not perfectly ok with my little boy, my baby, leaving me for two weeks.

sob.

Windows

2010-07-06T18:15:00.004-05:00

My house has those really awesome windows that don't slide up, instead you push a lever and the bottom of the window slides out. Know what I'm talking about? Now, if I lived somewhere that got a lot of rain, these would be fabulous because the rain can't get in when the windows open.

Know what else can't get in? Any kind of breeze. Any. Not a bit. Because while the window is tilted, it's still there in front of the window opening blocking any form of breeze whatsoever. Which means when it is 800 degrees outside, like, say, right now, my house is a lovely 8,000,000,002 degrees.

Which the boys like for one reason.

Popsicles are perfectly acceptable for dinner when it's over 1,000,000 degrees in the house.

Truthiness

2010-07-05T19:17:00.002-05:00

Well. Sunday was... not as bad as it could have been? Apparently Him and Her argued all night, which I'm sure was hours upon hours of fun. I continued to ignore the texts because it's only ok to argue via text message if you're under 16 years of age. Or when it's with your children who are under 16 years of age because I have just finally managed to get The Voice across in text message. If only I could get The Look to work that way...

Ahem. The cookout on Sunday was nice. Good to see members of Him's family that we hadn't seen in a while. And there was enough going on and enough people that if Him or Her tried to talk to me about The Money Problem, I would (behave like a total coward) (run away like a little girl) er, find myself very busy elsewhere. Anywhere else.

Last I heard, Him's story was now that he agrees he owes some back child support, but not the large amount that the state says. I slipped and responded once, that since he missed paying several months and also has missed several individual weeks many, many times over the years, it likely was a large amount. And then I bit my tongue and busied myself observing the lovely way the gravel on the walkway was arranged. Fascinating. Truly.

Truth as we know it

2010-07-03T20:33:00.003-05:00

One of the reasons Him and I got divorced was because of his lying. He'd get himself into sticky situations, like he'd write a check for $50 worth of comic books when we only had $3 in our account and no groceries and overdue bills and a baby and certainly no money for comic books for the love of Fred. And then when the check would bounce, he'd swear it must be some mistake with the bank. And when I'd find the bag of comic books stashed in the back of the closet, complete with receipt for the date and exact amount of the check that bounced, he'd swear that it wasn't him. Perhaps someone stole a check, forged his signature, purchased comic books at the comic book store he always went to and then stashed the comic books in our closet. And he would swear to this to the bitter end. He would get so frustrated and disgusted with me for not believing him. Just because I had the bounced check and the comic book in my hands did not mean I should not believe his story. He had convinced himself that his story, regardless of how completely untrue and far-fetched, was the truth. It was no longer a lie to cover himself, it was the truth as he believed it.

When he started the job he's at now, a couple of years ago, he was working for friends. Friends who felt he was paying too much for child support and decided to "help" him. For several months, they ignored the child support order. They "lost" the paperwork. They declined to respond. To the point where the state was threatening to bring charges against them for not cooperating. Then they decided to play nice. So for several months, no child support.

Which sucked. A lot.

Which brings us to current times. Him and Her and I have become friends. We are friendly divorced parents and while child support is a touchy subject, we try not to discuss it for the greater good. All of us, I'm sure, have bitten our tongues, swallowed our words and choked back things best left unsaid for the sake of the boys and our relationship.

However, he still owes that child support. And he's convinced himself that the truth? Is that he does not owe any back child support. I'm not sure what his story is, whether he's convinced himself he never went without paying or what, because it doesn't really matter. The state knows the truth, I know the truth, and eventually it will be paid. While I could desperately use it, fighting for it on top of him paying his normal child support isn't worth the cost to our relationship and the family we've created for the boys. I honestly don't know the amount owed. I know it was several months and I know there have been many other times, a week or two at a time, that weren't paid. The state keeps track of it. I don't. If I had that running tally in my head, I couldn't have the relationship with them that I do.

Add to that that the few times we have had to deal with child support, he immediately fights dirty. As in, since he's married and has Her's income, he can take a few weeks off or only work part time, meaning child support is practically nothing. Or he'll change his with holdings to lower his net pay, which lowers how much they can take for child support. Even a week without child support is a huge deal. Several weeks, or several months again? Would literally mean losing my house. He has the power and the willingness to fight dirty. I couldn't even if I was able to. I mean, it's money and it's important but, hopefully without sounding too snotty, I'm a better person than that.

Fast forward to tonight. Him and Her and Him's family and I are playing card games. Him and Her are trying to buy a house and we're all discussing their difficulty in finding a house. Her asked me how they could get the back due child support off of Him's credit. I looked at her, not really understanding because the answer's pretty simple, and answered. Pay it.

Which led to much fun, such as Her finding out that they do, or Him does, in fact, owe several months and various other times worth of child support. And has owed for years. I'm not sure how she didn't know this, as his income would have been higher than normal for several months, but it's entirely plausible that Him explained he was making more sales and thus receiving a higher commission or something. Because he so earnestly believes what he's saying, it's easy to believe him. Him had apparently told Her that he and I were working with the state to get the back child support removed because it was an error. So she's thinking this huge amount, apparently over 5 figures, is a mistake and going to be removed from Him's credit report.

So. Her is furious at Him. Him is mad at me because the truth as he believes it is different than, you know, reality. He's been sending me texts trying to argue about it. I explained I was not going to fight about it, I did not know the exact amount but could call the state to find out if he'd like. And then I stopped responding. His theory, apparently, is that he doesn't make much money right now so he does not owe this amount from a few years ago. Huh.

To add more fun to this hot f'ing mess? We are supposed to visit the other side of Him's family tomorrow. And so Boy 2 is spending the night with Him and Her. So I have to go tomorrow, to pick up Boy 2.

Him is promising tomorrow will not be pleasant for me. I'm pretty sure that's the truth.

Groundhog Day

2010-07-02T07:06:00.003-05:00

I think I've mentioned the groundhogs living under my garage? Well, there are groundhogs, at least two, living under my garage. And that was fine. Until they decided they wanted to look around the inside of my garage and chewed a piece of the wood siding off so they could get in.

Not cool, groundhogs.

Then the other day? I opened my basement door. Inside my house. To go into the basement. Inside my house. And know what was on the top step? A groundhog. WTF? He froze and I froze and we stood there for a couple years, looking at each other. Until I shut the door.

I grabbed a large tupperware container (what? what would you have used?) and opened the door to find the groundhog still on the top step. And tried to catch him in the tupperware. Lesson learned. Groundhogs the size of my cat do not fit in tupperware. In case you were wondering.

The groundhog scampered back down the stairs and I closed the door and then proceeded to wonder how the hell I was going to get the groundhog out of my basement. There's an opening the foundation, no one knows why, where I assume it came in, but it's a good 5 feet off the floor and I don't think I can just let it roam around my basement hoping it climbs the wall and finds the opening.

While I was pondering this challenge, Dog was in my room, at the other end of the house. And starts freaking out. I, being smart, tell him to lie down and relax. This, shockingly, doesn't work. He charges out of my room into the living room, I follow and at the same time the boys and I see... the groundhog. In my living room. Boy 1 screams and jumps on the couch. Boy 2 tries to chase it. Dog wants to play with the real live chew toy that's running around. I haul Dog back into my room and shut the door. Cat just looks at us with distain and saunters out.

Groundhogs apparently understand how to use cat doors. They are sneaky little bastards.

Much three stooges like yelling and scrambling ensued, and the groundhog took refuge under a desk. We tried poking it with a stick (I kid you not) while I stood by with a laundry basket to catch it (what? tupperware doesn't work). Groundhogs do not enjoy being poked with a stick and will hiss nasty words at you. Rude little bastard.

We eventually had to take the hutch off the desk, empty the desk, drag it out from the wall (and the groundhog stayed with it, sly little bastard) and then tip the desk over as much as we could. And it STILL didn't move. Finally? We grabbed the (thoroughly cleaned) pooper-scooper rake thingy and dragged the sucker out. And threw the laundry basket over him.

Much shrieking occured, by the groundhog and us.

We then walked the laundry basket/groundhog over and let it run free out the front door. And you know what the rotten little bastard did?

Ran pell-mell through my planter, trampling as many flowers as he could (yes, he did it maliciously, I could tell!).

And this morning? The little bastard was in my backyard, flipping me off. Seriously.

Poor Puppy

2010-06-30T06:31:00.003-05:00

Poor Dog had his surgery to remove the tumor yesterday. I dropped him off first thing in the morning and he was so excited; he loves his vet. They played with him and then I told him I love him and have a good day and I'll be back and I love you and then I went to leave. And he tried to prance along with me, but the vet was holding his leash. He just kind of looked at me like, Mom? Mom, what's going on?

It broke my heart.

They said I could call around lunch time so at 12:00, I was on the phone and was able to pick him up a little while later. Poor puppy did not feel good. They gave him painkillers that just knocked him for a loop. His little legs did the Bambi thing and walking was not fun. He didn't even make it onto his bed, but beside it.

Later on he started to come out of it, but that meant he would try to lick his wound. Which, not supposed to do. So the Cone had to go on. He did not like this at all. Shocking.

The vet said a week or two until they have the pathology results and then we determine what needs to be done from there. 10 days before he can go for walks or "be active." Hmm. He's a lab/golden retriever mix whose nickname is Kanga because the boy can jump a good 5 feet straight up when he's excited. You try tellling him to not be active.

The other problem so far is that while he's interested in eating, we couldn't get him to drink anything. Nothing. Not a sip. He'd eat ice cubes but no drinking. So I decided to try something sneaky. I got out a regular (people) bowl, put some water into it and then using my excited voice, called Dog over for a treat.

And he drank the entire bowl. Silly boy.

It's a sickness

2010-06-29T05:51:00.002-05:00

So, in an effort to save money, I've been working the coupons. It's actually become a bit of a personal challenge for me, to see how much I get for how little. A couple of local stores tend to have high prices but great sales, and paired with coupons I can get a lot for not much money. Which, yay!

One of my to-dos for this week was to rearrange my bathroom cabinets. (I know. Wild. How do I stand this fast-paced life?) So yesterday, that's what I tackled. Everything bathroom related. Recaulked the bathtub because no matter how often I clean the corners always get mildewy and it drives me nuts. Cleaned the bathroom, rearranged the cabinets.

And while doing so? I discovered I may have an illness. You see, I've found some great deals. So even though I didn't necessarily need, say, shampoo this week, it was on sale and I had a coupon and got it for like, $0.50. And it's not like it will go bad so go ahead and buy it, right?

I may have 10 sets of shampoo and condition. And 16 - SIXTEEN! - bottles of body wash. And 9 bottles of the body wash/hair stuff the boys use. And 6 things of toothpaste. Also three things of dental floss but none, not one! in the cinnamon flavor I prefer, all in mint. Which, WTH?

Take a minute with me to goggle at this. I was tempted to take pictures yesterday while I had this spread out on my bathroom floor but I was afraid someone would use it as evidence to submit me to Hoarders. Which I totally don't qualify for. Unless you're counting books too... In which case, I'm screwed.

Bitchy?

2010-06-26T16:28:00.002-05:00

I'm on vacation bitches! (I'm sorry, I don't know why I called you bitches.) And that means lotsa parties bitches! (Again, sorry. I'm sure you're not a bitch. At all.) Or at least, lotsa sleeping in. Until 7 a.m. bitches! (Sorry. Can't help myself bitches!) Erm. Moving on.

I've made a list of things to do. I'd call it a honey-do list but ...um... I've no honey to do it. (snicker. I've a dirty mind. Sorry bitches.) So I'm the honey and I'll do it. The list. I'll do the list. (not getting any better is it?) (and I haven't even been drinking.) (but I should put it on my list.)

So far on my list? Brace yourselves, wildness ahead.

I have approximately 8 gazillion hours of the Peoples Court and Judy Judy tivo'd because I love those bitches (sorry. sorry. what is wrong with me?) but my tivo might be a bit full. I have weeds upon weeds upon weeds that need removing. I kept hoping they would just go away or the squirrels that eat everything else that grows around here would eat them, but no such luck. Dog has his surgery which may make me cry because he's my baby and he'll hurt but he won't understand why and what if the tumor is worse than we thought and PANIC bitches. (sorry. don't take it personally.) I have many, several, lotsa books from the library to read. And many, several, lotsa books of my own to read. I have hours upon hours of sitting in the swing in my yard enjoying just sitting in my swing in my yard.

Pretty wild, I know. Jealous bitches?

Vacation plans

2010-06-25T17:50:00.003-05:00

I made it through the week and I am on vacation. I have big plans. BIG plans. heh.

I started my wildness by eating a fudgesicle. Before dinner. And people? I'm going to have more later. Probably at least more than one.

And I'm going to sleep in tomorrow. Well, I'm going to try. I don't sleep in well even through I'm really freaking tired and would love nothing better than to sleep the morning away. Instead I lay there wide awake, telling myself I do not have to pee. I don't. I'm fine. Fine, I'll go pee. Then I have to let Dog out. And then Cat wants me to pet her and she's seen me get up so she's not buying it when I play dead. And hiding under the covers just means she'll sit on my head and try to suffocate me with her behind until I come out and pet her. And then my mind wanders. To my bills. And that thing I need to fix on the house. And that whole list of other things. And so on for ever and ever until I get up.

Ahem. I'm going to spend loads of time outside in the sun on my swing with books. Lots and lots of books. And fudgesicles.

Three days

2010-06-23T05:26:00.002-05:00

It never fails that directly before a vacation, work ramps up to frantic and several things pop up that will happen while I'm out AND my boss is out which means someone else will have to take care of it. Now, I'm fair from perfect and the majority of the women in my office have been doing this since before I was born but my boss likes things his way. We've had many discussions that ended with "I don't care how they do it, my way is the right way."

Which means that while I'm out things won't be done his way and this will cause problems. Not enough of a problem to not take vacation, but problems which I will pull my hair out over in the future.

Despite that? Three days people.

Counting down

2010-06-21T17:32:00.002-05:00

The countdown is on. Four days until vacation and I'm all ya hoo! on vacation and then I remember I am COMPLETELY broke and the high-light of my vacation will be to keep an eye on Dog after his surgery to remove a small tumor which has, according to his vet, scary cells. Which, incidentally, will leave me much more broker than I am now. But ya hoo! on vacation.

I started a list of things to do around the house while I'm ya hoo! on vacation. It started out simple. Mow lawn. Fix gapping hole in basement wall that random people and/or animals could use to enter the basement and then the house which I always forget about until I hear a noise at 3:00 a.m and then can't sleep because ACK! INTRUDER ALERT! Also, perhaps clean the house.

But then my list becomes less of a to-do list and more of a wish list with items such as paint room. Paint dining room. Paint kitchen. Remodel kitchen. Build new front steps. Demolish house and start over, this time without pink carpeting.

And then I get back to the already broke and rapidly getting broker by the minute and my wish list items slink off to hide, probably under the pink carpeting.

Definitely May

2010-06-19T10:18:00.003-05:00

It may or may not be my birthday. And I may or may not be turning 29 ...again.

I may or may not have been served a fresh baked birthday brownie for breakfast.

With a candle.

Which I may or may not followed up with a popcicle.

I may or may not be having lobster for dinner, courtesy of Him and Her.

I may or may not be blessed with an awesome Franken-family.

I may or may not have woken up at the ass crack of dawn o'clock and sat on the swing in my yard and simply enjoyed doing that. Just the birds and the chipmunks and the wood chucks and I enjoying the morning.

I may or may not follow this up with another popcicle. Shut up, it's my birthday.