Stupidity

Yeah, so, uh, work. I've been there a while now, about nine months. And I really enjoy what I'm doing and I'm starting to know things that I need to know and didn't, so I thought things were going really well. Not perfect, but well.

I thought that until Friday afternoon, when I was hauled in to speak with the administrator. Apparently, I suck. Badly. No, that's not fair. He was nice, I just need to improve things. Some of which I understand, and some I don't. For instance, I need to work on anticipating what my bosses will need, and also make sure I ask questions and don't make assumptions. ...isn't that a slight contradiction? What if I think I'm anticipating their needs but actually I'm assuming what their needs will be and jesus christ on crutch, I'm screwed.

So my self esteem has taken a beating. Like most people, I take criticism personally. And yes, I will obviously do my best to do better and learn from it and someday I'll be grateful to have learned about this big, gaping whole in my abilities, but right now? It sucks.

And that inner voice? Holy crap, is she having a field day with this. You know how some people are just dumb? I used to work with this guy, and he just couldn't get things right. Ever. I realize I'm not exactly genius material, but I didn't think I was stupid. That inner voice though, she does. And she hasn't hesitated to let me know it. What if I can't do better? What if this is it, this is the best I can do and it's so far below good enough that it's surprising I can eat soup without choking to death on the spoon?

On top of that, is stress. It's just me here, holding up the household. The boys, the mortgage, the student loans, all of that, on me. If I were fired (pleasejesusdon'tfireme), I have no one to fall back on. No one to even help me in an emergency. No pressure, but don't fuck it up.

Deep breath. I'm allowing myself the weekend to sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself in general. By Sunday night I have to man up (excuse the expression) and get over it. I have changes to make and they will be made. In the meantime, I'm drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee because nothing says pity party like fat thighs.

Expiring

I had to renew my drivers license, as it expires this month. I think they should change it. It expires on your birthday. So not only are you older, but your drivers license has become so old and crotchety, it just up and expires. How depressing. AND! You then have to go spend time, right before your birthday, at the DMV.

Makes those over the hill jokes seem down right funny.

I went in to the DMV bright and early the other morning, because they are always, always busy. They open at 8 a.m., I got there at 8:03 a.m. They were already on number 4, and my ticket said number 12. Great. So I sat. And waited. And people watched, which really is entertaining. And, the lovely young lady next to me chatted on her cell phone for quite a while, so I got to hear all about her jerk of a boyfriend Nick and what a jerk he is and ohmygod, he's a jerk.

Thankfully, right before I stuck a pencil through my ear into my brain, they called my number. And my helpful DMV person got right down to business. She looked over my documents, yelled loudly, so the whole class can hear you now, IS 1#% POUNDS YOUR CORRECT WEIGHT? (go to hell, I'll stick with that weight, thank you very much.)

Then, we went for pictures. And I blinked. I'm sorry. I blinked. It seems like such an innocuous thing to do. I should know better. It is evil, obviously. My DMV lady yelled at me, "DO NOT CLOSE YOUR EYES!" so I stood there, eyes WIDE OPEN for approximately ten minutes before she took the second picture. I can't wait to show that to someone... noofficerI'mnotdrunkhonest,seeIalwayslookWIDEAWAKE!!

Silly me

I checked on Boy 2, after he's spent about three years in the shower and should be near done washing his tiny little self.

Boy 2! Hustle up, you haven't even washed your hair!

I have too!


It's not wet, Boy 2.

I just haven't washed that part of it yet.


Duh.

Hot, damn hot

It's gone from gray and overcast to unbelievably freaking hot in the past two days. I'm melting. And not in a pretty way either. There is sweat involved here people. I've worked up that sweat mainly by eating my weight in freezer pops, because heaven knows my ass won't fit into my freezer. What? It's not like you haven't tried it.

Surprisingly, the boys haven't tried to kill each other in the past few minutes. Friday night was bad, really bad with Boy 1. His dad was going to come up and get him for the weekend, to give him time to cool down and maybe get him to open up over what's been up his ass, er, bothering him the past few weeks. My problem with that is that he acts up, and then gets the reward of a whole weekend alone with Dad. And since Him isn't a disciplinarian, it would be a fun weekend. Lots of reward. I know that's not what Him intended, but I also know Him. After about 10 minutes of telling Boy 1 that he's disappointed with his behavior, they'd go out and rent movies that he wouldn't be allowed to see at home and thus would begin their fun filled weekend.

And I'm sure that would teach him a lesson.

So, it was with baited breath (and knotted stomach) that I faced the weekend. Especially because this was "atone for your behavior weekend" wherein we've fixed a few of the things he's done lately. We fixed that screen that was ripped out when he threw a basketball through it. We fixed the dent in the screen door that was dented when he hurled a basketball at his brother who had ducked behind the door to hide. And we wood puttied and painted the window sill that was gouged when he took a knife and made about 30 gouges in it, because he was angry.

I was worried that this would put Boy 1 in a bad mood. And it did, a bit, but not too badly. He helped fix things with a perfect snotty attitude (it's not my fault these things happened, you made me mad and whatever, I'm just here because life is that unfair).

So, back to the main gripe. It's hot. Damn hot. The boys and I installed a ...dryer thing. You know, you hang your clothing outside on the thing, and they dry, only without using $8,000 worth of electricity? It was good timing too, because it's so hot that things have dried in about 10 minutes. Just enough time to peel myself off the ground and start another load.