Stupidity
Yeah, so, uh, work. I've been there a while now, about nine months. And I really enjoy what I'm doing and I'm starting to know things that I need to know and didn't, so I thought things were going really well. Not perfect, but well.
I thought that until Friday afternoon, when I was hauled in to speak with the administrator. Apparently, I suck. Badly. No, that's not fair. He was nice, I just need to improve things. Some of which I understand, and some I don't. For instance, I need to work on anticipating what my bosses will need, and also make sure I ask questions and don't make assumptions. ...isn't that a slight contradiction? What if I think I'm anticipating their needs but actually I'm assuming what their needs will be and jesus christ on crutch, I'm screwed.
So my self esteem has taken a beating. Like most people, I take criticism personally. And yes, I will obviously do my best to do better and learn from it and someday I'll be grateful to have learned about this big, gaping whole in my abilities, but right now? It sucks.
And that inner voice? Holy crap, is she having a field day with this. You know how some people are just dumb? I used to work with this guy, and he just couldn't get things right. Ever. I realize I'm not exactly genius material, but I didn't think I was stupid. That inner voice though, she does. And she hasn't hesitated to let me know it. What if I can't do better? What if this is it, this is the best I can do and it's so far below good enough that it's surprising I can eat soup without choking to death on the spoon?
On top of that, is stress. It's just me here, holding up the household. The boys, the mortgage, the student loans, all of that, on me. If I were fired (pleasejesusdon'tfireme), I have no one to fall back on. No one to even help me in an emergency. No pressure, but don't fuck it up.
Deep breath. I'm allowing myself the weekend to sulk and pout and feel sorry for myself in general. By Sunday night I have to man up (excuse the expression) and get over it. I have changes to make and they will be made. In the meantime, I'm drowning my sorrows in a pint of Ben and Jerry's Creme Brulee because nothing says pity party like fat thighs.
3 Things People Said:
I can't even tell you what being pulled into that office would do to my self esteem. I would be in a ball on the floor for a few days.
So I'd say you're dealing pretty well.
As a side note, I am constantly convinced that every "stop by my office" email I get from my boss is to tell me either, "You are a horrible accountant and we just finally noticed," or "tell me honestly, how often do you send personal emails each day from your work account?...and don't lie, because I have your PC records right here," or simply, "here is your pink slip. Enjoy the unemployment line."
You should sulk this weekend with a bottle of wine and some bad TV.
But then you can shake it off and feel good about everything you handle -- the boys, the finances, everything, just like you said -- and keep on trucking along like you always have.
Hang in here and try not to stress too much about it (I know, easier said than done). Is there any way you could ask the individual bosses to tell you specifically what it is they need? Because, one may want you to check in more, one may want you to do xyz, etc.
Oh, and tell your inner voice to shut the hell up. You've gotten this far in life, she needs to cut you some slack. I've tied up and gagged my inner voice and shoved her into a closet until she promises to come out and play nice.
omg. i didn't know ben and jerry made such a thing. i'll be right back, just a quick jaunt to the store.
Post a Comment